Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Hasbro to make a gender-neutral Mr. Potato Head called Potato Head

While Mattel continues making a non-gender specific doll called Ken.

Ryan Reynolds responds to rumors that his Green Lantern will appear In ‘Zack Snyder’s Justice League’

Sorry ladies that’s not a euphemism.

Second ex-aide accuses New York Gov Andrew Cuomo of sexual harassment

Well, February was Black History Month while March is starting to look like Andrew Cuomo is History Month.

CPAC displayed ridiculous ‘Golden Calf’ Trump statue because none of these people have an ounce of self-awareness

Damn, CPAC looked less like a convention and more like a very special episode of ‘American False Idols.’

Holly Madison’s mini skirt, graphic tee & platform lace boots are a bold choice for a hike

Especially, if right afterwards, you head to church.

The Senate Parliamentarian shot down the minimum wage increase

…. maybe they should’ve taken it to Funkadelicartarian.

Fox anchor suspended after saying he was ‘annoyed’ at obese people getting Covid vaccine

Someone needs to tell him, it’s the CoronaVirus, not the CoronaLightVirus.

Larry King’s estranged wife says she’ll contest his secret will

Crazy, since the original will was so old it required the Rosetta Stone to figure out.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announce they are expecting a second baby

Third, if you count the biggest baby they have to deal with… Piers Morgan.

Daft Punk have just announced they have officially called it quits after 28 years

No word if Yoko Ono has an alibi.

Video surfaces showing Roger Stone flanked by Oath Keepers militia members hours before deadly U.S. Capitol siege

How embarrassing … for the Oath Keepers.

Thousands of cold-stunned sea turtles being rescued in Texas

… if this doesn’t get McConnell to vote for emergency aid nothing will.

RIP, Lawrence Ferlinghetti dies at 101

The City Lights are dimmer tonight.

Trump’s accountants turn over his tax returns to New York’s District Attorney.

Apparently, there’s so much crap in those tax returns Trump may finally win that Nobel Prize…. in fiction…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)