Jerry Duncan Interviews Wildlife Biologist

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Alaskan wildlife biologist Wilfred Jones.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in our backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Alaskan wildlife biologist Wilfred Jones.

JERRY

Good morning, Wilfred.

WILDLIFE BIOLOGIST WILFRED JONES

Would you like to hear my moose call?

JERRY

What the hell. Why not?

JONES

“Yoork!” “Yoork!”

JERRY

I swear stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.

JONES

I told my son I saw a moose on the way to work this morning. He said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

JERRY

I gotta know for the sake of sanity, did you find your job on Craigslist?

JONES

Gosh, no. I went to Sarah Palin University and got my degree in Ass-Hattery with a minor in Conspiracy Theories.

JERRY

In other words, for our listeners out there you have your head up your…

JONES

That’s right. Just ask my proctologist.

JERRY

Okay. What are your duties?

JONES

I study animals in their natural habitats. I’ve fished with bears. Run with deer. Even flew with an eagle. Well, I mean after I jumped out of a tree when a momma eagle spotted me taking pictures of her babies. On a sad note, the party animal is almost extinct.

JERRY

You’re wrong. You can find a bunch of them at bars in Fairbanks.

JONES

Glad to hear it. Everyone has their own path. Mine leads to liquor.

JERRY

You work with animals. What about trees and flowers?

JONES

I got good news. A local bank is opening an ATM in a tree. If it is successful, they might expand to other branches.

JERRY

You’re quite the entrepreneur.

JONES

Oh, yah. I have a lemonade stand. When a lemon is sick, I give it lemon aid. Ya know, I sell lemonade to all the fishermen. Vegans love my lemonade.

JERRY

Vegans don’t eat fish.

JONES

I know, they fish for the halibut. Duncan, do you know vegans never have arguments?

JERRY

Get out of here.

JONES

No. I’m serious. They don’t want any kind of beef.

JERRY

Hold on, my mom is nagging me and wants to say something.

JONES

Ain’t she dead?

JERRY

Yes. Just like your brain.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Wilfred. I had tea with your mother yesterday.

JONES

Is mom okay?

MAGGIE

Oh, sure. She’s got a boyfriend. But don’t tell your father.

JONES

Who is he?

MAGGIE

President Abraham Lincoln.

JONES

You’re kidding?! He’s got a history of being depressed.

JERRY

So do I.

MAGGIE

Are you blaming me, Jerry? I child-proofed the house and you still got in.

JONES

The last time I saw a face like Lincoln’s, I pinned a tail on it.

MAGGIE

Like you’re such an Adonis.

JERRY

Mother. I’d like to express my feelings about you to my audience. My love for you is like diarrhea, I can’t hold it in.

MAGGIE

That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.

JERRY

There’s more were that came from. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Check out Dean Kaner’s new comedy series A Bit of Biden every week on TikTok and Instagram. It’s funny, fun and non-political. Joe Biden discusses every day subjects from Jogging to Coffee. Go to @abitofbiden.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.