Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New Jersey legalizes recreational marijuana

Well, now we know why it’s the Garden State.

Wife of ‘El Chapo’ to remain behind bars on drug trafficking charges, federal judge orders

So, it seems, her husband not helping her make bail makes him El Cheapo.

Alec Baldwin and his wife Hilaria welcomed their sixth child

Seventh, if you count Alec.

Cuomo says he won’t resign following sexual-harassment allegations, insists he “never touched anyone inappropriately”

To be safe, Governor, for the time being, maybe you shouldn’t comment on anything called the ‘Golden Globes.’

Ted Cruz in hot water after a $1.2 million book buyback scheme is exposed

I’m shocked, shocked Ted would be involved with anything that has spine.

NY Times columnist defends saying Pepe Le Pew “normalized rape culture” after right-wing backlash

If you think Farrow vs. Allen is disturbing, wait for Le Pew vs. Pussycat.

FBI director says 100 arrests to date from Capitol riots

Advice, all rioters at the Capitol screaming about free speech, you’d be better off using your right to remain silent.

Kim Kardashian’s security stops man attempting to get to her home after crashing neighborhood gate

You’d think they recognized Kanye?

Republicans say Joe Biden’s package is too big

If Stormy isn’t lying, that’s something she never said about Trump.

Meghan and Harry release tense statement after Queen strips them of royal roles

Damn, even without Freddie Mercury, those guys still have a lot of clout.

Scientists are pretty sure they found a portal to the Fifth Dimension

But, the only way to access it is by going “Up, up, up in your beautiful balloon.”

Kayleigh McEnany looking to parlay her White House lies Into Fox News lies

… if that’s even her real name…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)