Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Piers Morgan, Meghan Markle — Piers Morgan, douchebag, and Meghan Markle, media darling (outside of Britain).

Piers Morgan storms off Good Morning Britain after cohost suggests he’s obsessed with Meghan Markle

So, Piers Morgan’s pronouns are now who/cares.

Scientists received a radio signal from the furthest reaches of space

And, it said “first time caller, long time listener.”

Capitol insurrectionist suspect flees to Kenya, is deported back to America to face justice

… no, it wasn’t Barack Obama.

Papa John’s founder says he’s been working to get the N-word out of his vocabulary for the “last 20 months”

Guessing that word is nutritious.

Dershowitz officially nominates Jared Kushner for Nobel Peace Prize

Alan Dershowitz nominating Kushner for the Nobel Peace Prize is like the Donner Party picking Jeffrey Dahmer as the winner of Top Chef.

Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from Kanye West

… so, she’s serious about getting an ass reduction …

FBI signals it’s looking at whether members of Congress assisted Capitol siege

Which explains why Republicans in Congress are as afraid of the FBI having their phone records as I was when I knew my mom found my Playboys under the bed.

Mathew McConaughey is thinking of running for Texas Gov

Here’s hoping his platform isn’t “Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right.”

Gov. Pete Ricketts (R-NE): “If you legalize marijuana, you’re going to kill your kids”

… Only if they don’t share …

Nancy Sinatra on Trump: “I’ll never forgive the people that voted for him”

Causing new song lyrics: “These boots were made for walking and they’ll be walking away from you.”

When it reopens, Disneyland is likely to be even more expensive

Damn, it already costs a small fortune after all, after all.

Video shows Alex Jones saying he’s ‘sick’ of Donald Trump and wishes he never met him

While Trump is now going to dump Alex for a hotter, younger, conspiracy theorist, psycho.

California stadiums, ballparks and theme parks set to reopen at reduced capacity on April 1

So, for Dodger fans it’ll be like after the 7th inning for the whole game.

Rudy Giuliani just asked a federal judge for more time to respond to Dominion’s $1.3 billion defamation suit

… No word if he also asked for a change of venue to the parking lot at Criminal Courtyard by Marriott …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)