Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bruno Mars belts out other-worldly sounds.

The sounds of Mars: NASA releases first-ever audio from another planet

Good job, Bruno!

Florida Rabbi arrested in connection with deadly US Capitol riot

The first clue something was up was when he lit the Hanukkah Lights with a Jewish Space Laser.

The Royal family is claiming they’re not racist

… well, y’know, there is Queen Latifah…

Biden has now sent his 3 nominees for the USPS Board of Governors to the Senate

Although, no word on whether he sent them ground or overnight.

Feeding cows seaweed could cut their methane emissions by 82%, scientists say/Greenhouse gas emissions study

Especially, if they drown while eating.

People are complaining John Kerry wasn’t wearing a COVID mask

In fairness, it’s hard to get one of those things over a horse bridle.

Soleil Moon Frye reveals her first sexual partner was Charlie Sheen

… look for the ‘E! True Hollywood Story: The Punky and the Junky.’

Kim Jong-un not talking to Joe Biden

This is punishment? How?

Kanye West becomes the richest black man in US history

And, six of the top ten if you divide it up amongst the voices in his head.

Milo Yiannopoulos now claims to be ‘ex-gay’

So, the Q in LGBTQ doesn’t stand for QANon.

It’s National Pi Day

Which makes tomorrow …9 7 9 3 2 3 8 4 6 2 6 4 3 3 8 3 2 7 9 5 0 2 8 8 4 1 9 7 1 6 9 3 9 9 3 7 5 1 0… Day.

Michael Cohen says Trump is in for a ‘proctological exam of the highest order’ by New York prosecutors

On the upside, they’ll probably find Lindsey Graham’s missing cell phone.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said she would take AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 shot

But, only if the shots came with a Pilsner back….

The Biden Admin let go some staffers who smoked pot

… but, mostly to save money on deliveries of pizza, donuts and nachos…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)