Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Putin watching Murkowski — Putin keeping an eye on Murkowski.

Trump makes official his plans to target Alaska Senator Murkowski in ’22

While Putin said he’ll be watching from his house.

Plummeting sperm counts, shrinking penises: toxic chemicals threaten humanity – The Guardian

On the positive side, that’s a bunch of great band names.

Biden raises eyebrows during first Press Conference with quip he came to the Senate 120 years ago

Anybody actually wondering if Biden was in the Senate 120 years ago, ask Grassley.

Google’s latest device uses radar to watch you sleep

… it comes free with a subscription to the dating site Stalkr.

Jeanine Pirro says immigrants need to be screened because they have a drinking problem

And, there’s barely enough booze in the U.S for her!

Hasbro Update: Potato Head boxes will still come with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head parts

Hmmm, sounds like they might be in danger of needing to be labeled as ‘Trans Fat.’

Happy 74th Birthday, Elton John

England’s second longest serving living Queen.

In-N-Out heiress Lynsi Snyder seeks $16.8 million for Bradbury mansion

17.1, if you buy it ‘Animal-Style.’

Demi Lovato said she identifies as ‘California sober’ and still consumes alcohol and marijuana in ‘moderation’

… While Kentucky sober is not a thing for a reason.

Biden said he hopes people are back having barbeques by July 4th

Karen’s everywhere are charging their cellphones!

Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith defends preventing people from voting on Sunday, because God

… while the Jets prohibit their players from playing actual football …

Florida man drowns while searching for lost golf ball, authorities say

That’s rough …

Jessica Simpson recalls feeling “saddened beyond belief” after Nick Lachey moved on with Vanessa

No word if that was for herself or Vanessa.

Sidney Powell says “No reasonable person” would believe her election fraud lies

… Exhibit A: Rudy and Trump believed her …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)