Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Play Ball! It’s opening day for Major League Baseball

… While, I’m guessing Rep. Matt Gaetz continues to prefer the minors.

New York’s 13% cannabis tax may be too high

… said people who may also be way too high…

Trump plans to launch a social network in ‘two to three months’

So, that’s just six to ten weeks after he releases his health care plan.

Obama’s 1st Transportation Secretary admits to hiding payment from Lebanese-Nigerian billionaire

So, that’s what my emailing Nigerian uncle was up to.

Adam Levine: Here’s why I won’t perform at Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s wedding

… uh, because everyone will have to turn their backs to you before you start performing?

Suu Kyi faces new charge under Myanmar’s secrets act; wireless internet suspended

No word if they’re also forcing her to use dial up and a dot matrix printer!

Over 100 fully vaccinated people contract COVID-19 in Washington State, officials say

On the upside, neighbor Bill Gates knows where they are to get them some help.

Biden’s dog has bathroom accident in White House hallway

Hmmm, if one of the Secret Service stepped in it he’d literally be on doody.

Suzanne Somers, 74, and Alan Hamel, 84, have sex ‘three times before noon’

That explains why the pool boy and housekeeper always look exhausted.

Big Pharma sold direct on eBay

Wondering … if drug companies are Big Pharma, and tech companies are Big Tech, then shouldn’t the footwear industry be known as Big Foot?

54% of Republicans said they believe the Capitol insurrection is getting too much attention

The rest of them have been told to remain silent, because anything they say can and will be used against them.

Your 90 days are up, Europe tells holiday home Britons

So, they answered Brexit with GetTheF$%kOutzit.

Matt Gaetz’s denial of relationship with minor confuses Tucker Carlson: “One of the weirdest interviews”

… Gaetz needs to think less about his freedom of speech and more about his right to remain silent …

NYPD officers can no longer search a vehicle due to the smell of marijuana alone, new memo says

… they also have to be able to provide nachos and chips…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)