Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Republicans have now called for boycotts of MLB, NBA, NFL, WNBA, NASCAR and MLS

The only sport left for Republicans to watch will be MyPillow Fights.

Senate Democrats to move to federally legalize marijuana

… and tax nachos and donuts to really make it worth it.

Happy 67th Birthday, Jackie Chan

Proving 67 is the new “still can kick my ass.”

Fox News aired Hunter Biden porn instead of covering Matt Gaetz’s growing scandal

So, looks like Hunter Biden was in a Ménage A Troi with porn stars. I’m old enough to remember when having sex with a porn star was considered Presidential.

California Gov. Gavin Newsom: “We can now begin planning for our lives post-pandemic”

… Wondering if he can help me get a reservation at the French Laundry?

Major League Baseball announced the 2021 All-Star Game will be in Denver

With the thin air, some of those Home Run Contest balls are still going to wind up in Georgia.

Joel Greenberg is poised to plead guilty. His attorney said Matt Gaetz is probably on edge right now

Sounds like someone just threw Gaetz under the school bus and then backed it over him.

UK Covid variant now dominant in the US

… which makes it the most dangerous virus ever from the UK since the Piers Morgan’s CNN days.

Tiger Woods was driving about 85 m.p.h. in a 45 m.p.h. zone when he crashed

Look for Tiger Woods on a special episode of Law and Order: SUV.

“Stay out of politics,” Republican leader McConnell tells U.S. CEOs

Helluva way to start a fundraiser letter there, Mitch.

Nick Cannon returning as Masked Singer host

… or, is that really him? Hmmmmm…

Twitter will not allow the National Archives to make Trump’s past tweets available on the platform

Psychology Today’s website, on the other hand.

Prince Philip passed away at 99

He didn’t look a day over 132.

“Uh-Oh”: Vaping Hannity, glasses askew, totally unprepared after commercial break

… well, at least, we now have an answer to the question “what the f**k is this guy smoking?” …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)