Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

From the vaccine rollout to Bernie Madoff, the news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Over two-thirds of Americans now satisfied with COVID vaccine rollout: poll

I do have one complaint. Just got my first shot, and still waiting for a welcome message from Bill Gates.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez have officially called it quits

They’ve decided to spend more time with the one they love… themselves.

Women detail drug use, sex and payments after late-night parties with Gaetz and others

Or, as Hunter Biden calls it … a slow Tuesday.

A Minneapolis cop apparently didn’t know the difference between a gun and a taser

Shocking …

Matthew McConaughey may be a viable candidate for Texas

When asked how he thought he do he said: “Alright! Alright! Alright!”

Accidental discharge isn’t an excuse for a cop killing a man

But, might work as an excuse for how we got Eric Trump.

Tiger Woods Update: SUV crash was caused by speed and an inability to negotiate a curve, Los Angeles County sheriff says

From now on, Tiger’s going to need a caddy for his Caddy.

RIP Bernie Madoff

In lieu of flowers, his family asks you give them money; and they’ll give that money to some other people who will give that money to …

Hayley Hasselhoff makes history with curvy ‘Playboy’ cover: “Your body does not define you”

I’m assuming that’s in the accompanying article no one’s going to read.

Cindy McCain set to land Biden ambassadorship to Rome based UN Group

… While Caitlyn Jenner’s is still holding out for Transylvania.

Dakota Johnson says we shouldn’t call vibrators sex toys

Welp, there goes anyone’s plans to start a chain called ‘Sex Toys R Us.’

The United States should prepare for a sixth year of above-average number of Atlantic hurricanes, Colorado State University

Also, Colorado State University: “We’re in Colorado … Neener… Neener.”

Recording reveals Trump called Georgia investigator leading signature match audit

It’s like every conversation with Trump begins with “Is this thing on?”

Oklahoma stuck with over a million hydroxychloroquine doses

… yeah, but, it’s still a great spelling bee word …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)