Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news (like the story about Arnold Schwarzenegger) doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Arnold Schwarzenegger said cutting out bread helped him lose weight

So, sounds like he just said “Hasta La Vista, Bakery!”

People around the globe celebrating Earth Day

… While Andrew Cuomo celebrated by grabbing Mother Nature by the face and giving her a big kiss.

Louis Vuitton is selling a $39,000 bag shaped like an airplane

… $39,025 if you buy it including headphones …

Trump’s telling people to boycott MLB

While Matt Gaetz was happy he didn’t also say to boycott the minors.

ARod buys the Minnesota Timberwolves

Well, now we know what he used all the money he saved after that wedding with JLO that was canceled.

Chris Christie is reportedly ‘seriously considering’ a 2024 presidential run

It’s always funny to see Chris Christie and the word run in the same sentence.

Meghan McCain called out for asking: “Is identity politics more important than qualifications?”

Does anyone know who Meghan McCain’s father was? … Seems to never come up.

Kanye West asks for joint custody, no spousal support

No word if that’s custody for the kids or Khloe.

Alexei Navalny moved to prison hospital with ‘respiratory illness’ In ward of contagious diseases

It could be worse, Putin could’ve had him moved to a higher floor with lots of open windows.

A GOP donor gave $2.5 million for a voter fraud investigation. He wants his money back

Didn’t anyone tell him Mar A Lago is Spanish for “Get in Line?”

De Niro unable to turn down acting roles because of his “estranged wife’s expensive lifestyle”

Now when he says: “Are you talking to me?” he hopes it’s about making ‘Meet the Folkers 6,7, and 8.’

RIP, DMX

He didn’t look a day over CDMV.

Sheriff: Woman purposely drove into teens playing basketball

She was charged with reckless driving and a lane violation!

Ben Shapiro buys wooden plank to promote Home Depot in viral video

… people are saying, if Shapiro gave that plank to his wife, it’ll the first good wood she’s gotten in a long time …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)