Jerry Duncan Interviews Joan Rivers - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid radio talk show host interviews the late Joan Rivers via heavenly hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? I doubt it. From a hologram, live in heaven my guests are my mother Maggie Duncan and her friend, comedienne Joan Rivers.

JERRY

Good morning, Mother.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Men. Who needs them? Can you believe Curly from The 3 Stooges dropped me for Phyllis Diller? I’m distraught. Distraught, Jerry.

JERRY

Not a surprise though.

MAGGIE

Not a surprise? Phyllis is so old, you can see the liver spots through her gloves.

JERRY

Don’t worry. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.

MAGGIE

What sea? We only have clouds.

JERRY

Introduce me to your friend, please.

MAGGIE

The funniest lady I every met. A woman of many facelifts…Joan Rivers.

JOAN RIVERS

I wish I had a twin, then I would know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

JERRY

I was a big fan. You were in show biz a long time.

RIVERS

Yeah. I started in the early 60’s doing standup at comedy clubs in Greenwich Village. Had lots of competition. George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Woody Allen. Being a woman was tough.

JERRY

Plus, you were overweight.

RIVERS

I was always overweight. The kids in school called me “Marshmallow.”

JERRY

Didn’t you exercise?

RIVERS

Oh, please. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

MAGGIE

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I heard it, I washed my mouth out with chocolate.

JERRY

Ma. Eat today, wear tomorrow.

MAGGIE

What are you? An Adonis?

RIVERS

Jerry. For you, social distancing is great. It means every night is like a Saturday night.

JERRY

Okay, Mommy Makeover. By 1965, you were on The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. In the 80’s, you had two shows of your own. One that competed with Johnny.

RIVERS

I called him. He was upset and almost hung up on me when I tried to explain I needed the money. I said, “Johnny. I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.”

JERRY

Then what happened?

RIVERS

The phone went dead. And so did my career.

JERRY

What about all those jewelry chotchkies you hustled on QVC?

RIVERS

That was years later. I confess, Jerry. The jewelry sucked. You can’t make steak out of hamburger meat.

JERRY

Thank you, Bobby Flay.

JERRY

Then came your last job. Co-hosting the Red Carpet with daughter Melissa.

RIVERS

I’m a fashion maven. It was enjoyable to make fun of celebrities who didn’t dress well. And compliment those that did. My advice to women. Shopping is cheaper than therapy.

MAGGIE

Remember that Jerry if you ever find a nice girl like your mother.

JERRY

Don’t say that. I don’t need more nightmares. Do you realize you’re the only mother I know that had morning sickness after I was born?

RIVERS

Can we talk? I need to hurry. Have a blind date with Ray Charles.

JERRY

Absolutely. When you passed away, everyone was so sad. At your funeral, Meryl Streep cried in 5 languages.

RIVERS

Yes. And she should have won an Oscar.

JERRY

If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to them again. See you tomorrow.

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The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.