Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including about Oscars 2021, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Oscars 2021

Oscars 2021: Audiences turn away as sluggish ceremony leaves critics cold

Word is Oscars 2021 will be listed in next year’s Oscar “In Memoriam.”

Justice Department has charged a Capitol rioter turned in by someone he matched with on the Bumble dating app, after he bragged about his exploits on January 6^th

Next time he should go on OK Stupid.

Manhattan to stop prosecuting prostitution

No word if that includes attention whores … Asking for a Mayor and a Governor.

‘Sex Blimps’ & ‘Abolish Lasagna’: Senator Ernst’s ‘Liberal Fantasy Island’ display savaged on-line

Weren’t the ‘Sex Blimps’ the opening act for the ‘Jewish Space Lasers?’

Florida model was offering drunken lap dances to strangers; Cops then stepped in

No word yet on whether that was to give or get lap dances …

Rep. Matt Gaetz expected to be indicted as former Florida official Joel Greenberg has turned on him

Or, as it’s known in legal terms “throwing someone under the school bus.”

Happy 81st birthday Al Pacino

Now when he says Happy 81st “Hoo Has” is probably to get rid of some phlegm.

Kourtney Kardashian passionately kisses Travis Barker in thong bikini photo

Yeah, but, what was she wearing…?

People are passing on getting their second shots

What do they think the disease is? Covid 9.5?

USC wide receiver Amon-Ra St. Brown drafted by Detroit Lions

Word is he’ll get a four-year contract but can cut it in half for good behavior.

NY Post reporter resigns after ‘ordered’ to report false story about Kamala Harris

Looks like the Post may finally win a Pulitzer…. in Fiction.

It’ll be Pete Davidson like you’ve never seen him before—as Joey Ramone

Makes sense, Pete already looks sedated.

Mike Pence’s publisher refuses to cancel memoir after staff protest

… Oh, to be a fly on someone’s head for that meeting …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)