Duncan Interviews Pelosi & Kevin McCarthy

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic Majority Leader of the House Nancy Pelosi and Republican Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Democratic Majority Leader of the House Nancy Pelosi and Republican Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

KEVIN MCCARTHY

Let me make it perfectly clear. President Trump did bear some responsibility for the January 6 assault on our U.S. Capitol.

JERRY

(game show voice)

Kevin McCarthy. For a future in the Republican Party, Is that your final answer?

MCCARTHY

No, no, no. Trump did not incite the riot. Forgive me, Orange Crush.

NANCY PELOSI

There you go again, not telling the truth. Duncan, McCarthy is so cruel that he hates a character on Sesame Street.

MCCARTHY

Big deal. One character.

JERRY

Who?

PELOSI

The Count.

JERRY

What a coincidence. Trump dropped by Sesame Street because he wanted to stop the Count.

JERRY

For the record, you’re both lunatics.

PELOSI

Don’t mess with me, Duncan. I know Snooki from Jersey Shore.

MCCARTHY

And I know Rudy Giuliani.

JERRY

Fools. They both act like the Mob. Remember, any mobster that likes getting kicked in the balls is a Soprano.

JERRY

I need to move on. Pelosi, you were in Congress when George W. Bush and Donald Trump were President.

PELOSI

Yes. I begged W to stop reading My Pet Goat when the planes hit the Twin Towers on 9/11. He couldn’t put the book down. With Trump I didn’t worry, because he couldn’t read a book.

JERRY

McCarthy. You were elected to Congress when W was still in office.

MCCARTHY

He was brilliant. How many leaders would have the guts to start a war with Iraq when our economy was in the crapper and with no evidence?

JERRY

You were also in Congress when Obama was President.

MCCARTHY

Yeah. We had a border crisis out of control. Obama used to call illegal aliens undocumented Democrats. There were other problems like his tax proposal. You know, we Republicans are against raising taxes on the wealthy. Better to stick it to the middle class and poor.

JERRY

How do you get the rich to pay their fair share of taxes?

PELOSI

I’ll answer that one. I told President Obama if you really want to get those rich people to pay their fair share, then put them all in your administration.

JERRY

Then there’s Trump. He loved our enemies and hated our allies. That’s un-American.

PELOSI

Impeached twice for obstruction and collusion with a foreign power interfering in our elections. When Trump sleeps, he lies on one side then lies on the other.

MCCARTHY

It’s not a lie if you believe it.

JERRY

McCarthy. Is Joe Biden the legitimate President of the United States? Yes or no.

MCCARTHY

Eeeny, meeny, miney, moe. I don’t think the President is Joe.

JERRY

C’mon, idiot. Biden won in an electoral landslide and had 7 million more votes than Trump. Ballots were counted and recounted in the swing states. The Trumpster came up empty.

MCCARTHY

I base my conclusion on one thing, Duncan.

JERRY

What?

MCCARTHY

Biden said Americans can only have one hamburger a month. What’s next? No more wieners?

PELOSI

Well, in your case and Matt Gaetz that would be a good thing. Chop, chop.

JERRY

You’re an amazing woman for your age, Pelosi. The size of Chris Christie’s arm. Hands no bigger than a Barbie doll. One or two face lifts.

PELOSI

Did you say I had a face lift?

JERRY

Just a guess.

PELOSI

(angry) Do I have a turkey neck? No! Does my nose look chiseled like a Picasso? No! Do I dye my hair?

Slight pause.

PELOSI

Two out of three ain’t bad. My idol is Mary Todd Lincoln. A brave woman who overcame adversity after her husband was assassinated.

JERRY

She ended up in a mental institution.

PELOSI

That’s because she was a Republican. I get it.

JERRY

Final question to you McCarthy. Why are you trying to oust Congresswoman Liz Cheney from House leadership?

MCCARTHY

We need to make room for Caitlyn Jenner. A rising star in the Republican Party.

JERRY

Yes. But she comes with a warning label. “May contain traces of nuts.”

See you tomorrow.

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The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.