Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that on Bill and Melinda Gates, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bill and Melinda Gates divorce after 27 years of marriage

Word is, Bill Gates was seeing someone on the download.

The WHO authorizes Moderna’s COVID-19 vaccine for emergency use

… while Led Zeppelin backs Pfizer’s.

Lindsey Graham announces a contest where the winner gets to play a round of golf with him and Trump

Second prize, 2 rounds….

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo Says Broadway Can Reopen on May 19

Proving that, for Cuomo, wherever there’s a broad there’s a way.

Happy 88th Birthday, Willie Nelson

What do you get the guy who’s smoked everything?

Ben Shapiro posts the same joke every Mother’s Day

While he remains the same joke to his Mother everyday.

Peloton recalls ALL its Tread+ and Tread treadmills

… so that’s what they mean by walking it back….

Tom Cruise reportedly saved his co-star Elisabeth Shue from being killed by spinning helicopter blades

Is that anything like juggling chainsaws?

Rudy Giuliani has reportedly shed his entourage and hired a part-time driver to cut costs, as his legal fees mount

Good thing Tiger Woods isn’t looking for work.

Trump’s widely-mocked new blog shows he is now just ‘shouting into the void,’ say social media experts

Let’s face it, if Trump’s website were anymore useless, he’d have named it ‘Eric.’

Kristen Bell says she and husband Dax Shepard acknowledge attraction for other people: ‘We’re not dead’

For everyone reading this… No, not you!

Colorado State Senator called a black colleague Buckwheat

… in fairness he was going to call him something else but was Stymied.

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Which is Spanish for St. Patrick’s Day…

Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to expel Pelosi, impeach Biden, and fire Dr. Fauci

… Adding: ‘I’ll get you my little pretties… and your dog, too’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)