Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about Prince Charming and his kisses, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Disneyland Snow White ride faces backlash over Prince Charming kiss

If you think Snow White and Prince Charming are problematic, just be glad Al Franken wasn’t around fake touching her boobs and saying, “Honk, Honk.”

Romney warns removing Cheney from House leadership will cost GOP election votes

… especially if her dad takes them hunting.

Bob Baffert blamed “cancel culture” after his horse, Medina Spirit, who won the Kentucky Derby, failed its post-race drug test

On the upside, Cancel Culture is great name for a horse.

Melinda Gates is now a billionaire

So, the GoFundMe is off?

Devin Nunes’s Attorney sanctioned, ordered to pay CNN $21,000 for filing ‘frivolous’ defamation lawsuit

A lesson to all, see what happens when you have a cow over a cow?

Members are quitting Mar-a-Lago because it has become a ‘sad’ and ‘dispirited’ place since Trump moved in, author says

The way things are going, soon Trump will be a man without a country… club.

Tomi Lahren: This weekend people threw eggs at me and called me ‘Nazi Barbie’

Guess she won’t be going to anymore family reunions for a while.

8 NY Yankees came down with Covid-19

Y’know, it wasn’t the Minnesota Twins; they can’t even catch a cold.

Mississippi discontinuing the extra 300-dollar federal unemployment supplement

… mostly in fear a couple of people might pool together and buy the state.

Facebook insists a kid’s version of Instagram will be safe

… while I worry about anything with the words Insta and Gram.

Feds probing Roger Stone, Alex Jones over roles in Capitol riot

I’d prefer it was extraterrestrials, but this will have to do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene challenges Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to debate over Green New Deal

So, it’d be ‘Green New Deal’ vs. ‘Greene Thinks She’s a Big Deal.’

Google is saving over $1 billion a year with employees working from home and not traveling for business

True, I Googled it…

Attorney for Capitol defendant Anthony Antonio said his client had “Foxitus” and “Foxmania” from watching six months of Fox News

… or, as it’s also known, the “Moronavirus” …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)