Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, like that about Eric Clapton, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Eric Clapton’s anti-vaccine diatribe blames “propaganda” for “disastrous” experience

Clapton being upset about a drug side effect is like R. Kelly being pissed he put on weight from buying Girl Scout cookies …

President Biden test drives F-150 Lightning: “This sucker’s quick!”

Which is, BTW, what Stormy Daniels said about Trump.

Arianna Grande immortalized in wax at Madame Tussaud’s

…. next up, a namesake double latte at Starbucks.

California will have a $78 billion budget surplus, a massive influx of cash that Gov. Newsom and legislators will decide how to spend

Apparently, Elon Musk didn’t check his couch before he went to Texas.

City of Albuquerque refers Trump Campaign to a collection agency

So, he’s going to send the bill from New Mexico to old Mexico …?

Former US child star Ricky Schroder films himself harassing Costco staff over mask rules

Ricky Schroder is the Scott Baio of Ted Nugents.

Bill Gates admits affair with Microsoft employee, denies being forced off Microsoft’s board over it

… well, there go those ‘Micro’ and ‘Soft’ rumors.

Happy 75th Birthday, Cher

As a reminder schools, Post Offices and banks will be closed in West Hollywood, the Castro and P-Town.

Prince Andrew quietly removed as patron of almost 50 organizations

… and his lifetime ‘all you can eat’ pass to Chuck E Cheese …

BREAKING: The FBI is investigating a massive scheme to illegally finance Susan Collins’ 2020 re-election campaign

I’m sure Susan Collins learned her lesson and will never do it again!

Phil Mickelson becomes oldest major winner as he wins enthralling PGA Championship

And, as a bonus, Ted Cruz must be really pissed off that a guy nicknamed Lefty won the PGA Championship.

Jeff Bezos is building a $500 million BOAT

It’ll be his in 3 days, 1 if he used Amazon Prime.

Obama allegedly called Trump a “corrupt motherf**ker” and a “racist, sexist pig,” according to journalist’s new book

In fairness, Obama was probably just quoting Melania.

Disney World to allow vaccinated people to take off their masks following new CDC guidance, its CEO said

… Except when riding on Peter Pandemic …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)