Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, like that about the “Friends Reunion,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Friends Reunion draws big numbers on HBO Max with lots of 90’s nostalgia

For black folks looking for that 90’s vibe, Showtime should have done friends reunion special for ‘Living Single!’

Report: Brett Favre hasn’t repaid $600,000 of $1.1 million from Mississippi welfare fund

Maybe he threw it to them, it got picked off, and run back for a touchdown.

“Normal tourist visit:” Some Republicans downplay January 6 riot amid Democratic objections

C’mon, if the January 6 attack was a tourist visit … then the Donner Party was just a normal family reunion picnic.

Brad Pitt got joint custody of his kids with Angelina Jolie in a tentative ruling

…. betting tentative on his being able to tell the names of each kid without them wearing name tags.

Humpback whales have bred prolifically since people stopped butchering them. They may now be as numerous as they were before commercial whaling

Guess that explains the ‘hump’ part.

Caitlyn Jenner’s 2020 election story keeps getting worse

… anymore backpedaling and Peloton’s going to have to invent a special bike just for her.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly steal the spotlight at Billboard Music Awards with barely-there dress

So, what was Megan wearing?

Roger Stone in big legal trouble

On the upside, thanks to Stone’s back tattoo of Richard Nixon, Nixon may finally be going to prison.

Kim Kardashian questions becoming a lawyer after revealing she didn’t pass ‘baby bar’

… She really doesn’t have a life, she has “Continued Next Weeks …”

Andrew Giuliani to run for New York Governor against Cuomo

Look for Rudy to plan that first rally in the parking lot of a Governor’s Restaurant and Bakery.

Kevin Spacey set to return to screens after sex abuse allegations

Mostly to be followed by other moviegoers screaming, ‘Sit down! Dude, you’re blocking the screen!’

Republicans in Senate vote to block creation of January 6th commission 35-54

In related news, the Kansas City Chiefs will be holding a victory parade for their Super Bowl victory over Tampa Bay 9-31.

Happy 46th Birthday Andre 3000

… a little bit older and he’ll be going by Andre MMM.

Florida Republicans are lining up to grab Matt Gaetz’s seat as his legal woes worsen

… given where that seat has been they might want to wear gloves …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)