Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, like recent updates about Charlie Watts, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Charlie Watts rolling stones — Charlie Watts and Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones recently celebrated birthdays.

80 today for Charlie Watts! 74 yesterday for Ronnie Wood

Keith Richards dead for about 12 but everyone’s too afraid to tell him.

Melinda Gates’ body language at events with Bill gave away her unhappiness years before their divorce announcement, NYT report suggests

Well, it’s hard to misinterpret an extended middle finger.

QAnon hosts conference at The Omni Dallas Hotel headlined by Michael Flynn and Sidney Powell

Or, is it?

Ted Cruz upset he’s being compared to Nazis

Yeah, that’s really unfair, like Hitler would’ve ever let people talk s*** about Eva Braun.

Gavin Newsome’s not going give up all his emergency powers just yet

Makes sense – you try and get a reservation at the French Laundry without them.

Matt Gaetz’ ex-girlfriend flipped on him to the feds

… instead of jail time, she’ll have to spend two weeks in detention.

Couple hides $1K inside baby products at Target stores to help new parents ‘make ends meet’

And, for parents with kids home through the pandemic, hide that money in the liquor section.

Trump’s blog has been permanently shut down

If he knew it’d be this disappointing, he would’ve named it ‘Eric.’

Tiger Woods doesn’t know if he’ll play golf again after his accident

… At the very least, he probably should stay away from driving golf carts …

Twitter suspended in Nigeria ‘indefinitely’

So that’s where Trump’s gonna be President in August …

Chick-fil-A is under attack over its CEO’s ties to a Christian charity accused of trying to squash proposed LGBTQ protections

Personally, I’m giving up on Chik-Fil-A until they’re gay friendlier. So, call me when you see on the menu, at the very least, a Chick on Chick Fil-A sandwich.

Lindsey Graham spent Memorial Day in Israel

… no word if he’s looking for an Airbnb in Moscow for July 4th.

Jay Cutler reportedly wants half of Kristin Cavallari’s brand in divorce

In fairness, he probably didn’t inspire any of it. Well, that is, unless she makes chokers.

May jobs report: Economy adds back 559,000 jobs; unemployment rate fell to 5.8%

… But, according to Eric Trump, most of those are just people delivering subpoenas to his family…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)