Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, as magnetic as it can be, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Apparently, some anti-vaxxers think the Covid vaccine makes you…magnetic

Just to be safe, right after the vaccination, people might want to hide the silverware.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their second baby

…. third, if you count Piers Morgan.

Breaking: Florida opera singer charged with hitting officer with flagpole during Capitol riot

This all might be over if she’s the fat lady…

Kamala Harris is taking so much heat from conservatives for Central America trip

Imagine if she was wearing a tan suit!

JLo spotted hanging out with Marc Anthony in Miami

First Affleck, now Marc Anthony. It’s like she’s filming a VH 1 Special… ‘I dated the Aughts!’

Twitter suspended in Nigeria ‘indefinitely’

Causing Nigerian uncles to reach out the old-fashioned way, by robocall, to tell you you’ve got millions waiting to be claimed.

Calls for Alex Jones’ arrest grow louder after his $500K donation to January 6 rally resurfaces

In fairness, that’s only like a buck twenty for each of the voices in his head.

Jeff Bezos says he’s gonna be a passenger on his Blue Origin space ship

… I heard he’ll return in 3 days, 1 if he uses Prime.

Ann Frank would have turned 92 today

And, somehow you just know, Marjorie Taylor Greene would be telling people she’s in the attic!

USC to require vaccinations for returning students, faculty and staff

Wondering who Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli paid to take their kids Covid shots?

Hunter Biden might have been caught using the N Word in DMs with his lawyer

I guess we won’t have to ask the question: what was this dude smoking?

Jeffrey Toobin is back on CNN

Just hoping they don’t give him a show called ‘Luben with Toobin!’

Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson suspended by YouTube after posting about Hydroxychloroquine

I’m really impressed, impressed that he can spell Hydroxychloroquine.

Conan’ last guest will be Jack Black, as audiences return for TBS show’s final two weeks

When it was announced, did they say his replacement will be Jay Leno?

‘Potentially hazardous’ asteroid will pass near the Earth on Tuesday

… At this point, it’s hard to tell whether to root for or against…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)