Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about cocaine found on a beach, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

cocaine found Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — Cocaine found on a beach will spur your appetite!

$1.2 million worth of cocaine found on Florida beach during turtle nesting survey

… this finally explains the superpowers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Dark matter is slowing down the slab of stars at our galaxy’s center

Except Meryl Streep — that’s one star nothing slows down.

Heat wave has sparked another round of grid problems in Texas

Apparently, Texas is now called ‘The Lone Star State,’ based on the Yelp reviews of its power grid.

Biden apologized for being short with a reporter

… which means Joe Rogan owes everyone an apology.

FBI raids home of L.A.-based actor, Siaka Massaquoi, who entered Capitol Jan. 6 with right-wing protesters

For those who said he could no longer get himself arrested, he sure showed them.

President Biden and the first lady, Dr. Jill Biden, met with Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle on Sunday

… what a relief not hiding the silver like when the former guy visited.

Benjamin Netanyahu leaves office by accusing Joe Biden of permitting the extermination of the Jews

So, he’s taking it better than expected.

Kendall Jenner in a thong bikini is the energy we need for summer 2021

You’d think with all that money she could afford a full bathing suit.

Marjorie Taylor Greene visited the Holocaust Museum and spoke about how awful the Holocaust was

Chances are pretty good, she visits the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame and declares it the devil’s music.

Happy 79th Birthday, Sir Paul McCartney

In Keith Richards years that makes you 347.

Applaud Juneteenth progress but not pushback on Critical Race Theory

Because now kids get the day off from school for Juneteenth, but, their schools can’t tell them why.

Trump wants to be Speaker of the House

… Only if Deutsch Bank holds the mortgage.

Conan’ last guest will be Jack Black, as audiences return for TBS show’s final two weeks

When was it announced his replacement will be Jay Leno?

In 268-161 vote, House repeals 2002 war powers measure that gave the Bush administration legal authority to invade Iraq after 09/11

… yeah, now that nobody wants it…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)