Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even if about Vin Diesel, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Vin Diesel says ‘Fast & Furious’ saga will conclude after two more films

… at which point, Diesel will be known as Electric Vin.

Wisconsin pharmacist who tried to destroy hundreds of doses of coronavirus vaccines was sentenced to three years in prison

No word if his sentence receipt was five feet long with ‘Prison Pharmacy’ coupons on the back.

High School Basketball coach fired after players throw tortillas at a majority-Latino High School opponent

Good thing they didn’t throw churros, that sh** can take out an eye.

Speaker Pelosi announces she’ll form a special select committee on Jan. 6 attacks

No word if Pence heard the noose.

New York lifts nearly all pandemic restrictions as single-dose vaccination rate passes 70%

… look for Cuomo’s book on it being only 70% complete.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says Costco has pulled his products

Damn, that’s like 1,000s of pillow … per package.

Joint Chiefs Chairman clashed with GOP on race theory, ‘white rage’

Hmmmmm, ‘White Rage’ does sound like a band that would open for ‘Jewish Space Lasers.’

Botswana unearths world’s third largest diamond

So that’s where JLo put her engagement ring from ARod.

Thieves perpetrated a heist of 42,000 pounds of pistachios

That’s just nuts …

Kim Kardashian’s underwear ad faces backlash over alleged Photoshop fail

The complaint has no if, ands but plenty of butt …

Lara Trump could be facing 20 years in prison for inciting vigilante violence on Fox News

Some people will do anything to not spend time with Eric Trump!

Bill Gates’ affairs were an open secret

Now we know his inspiration to go from floppy discs to hard drives.

Darth Vader house hits market in Houston

Who can blame Ted Cruz for selling … he’s never in Texas anyway.

WHO says Delta is the fastest and fittest Covid variant and will ‘pick off’ most vulnerable

I don’t know. Third Base …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)