Jerry Duncan Interviews Jennifer Lopez - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews superstar singer, dancer and actress Jennifer Lopez.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. Today I’m interviewing singer, dancer and actress Jennifer Lopez.

JERRY

Good morning, Jello.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

It’s J.Lo. J-L-O-W. i before e except after c.

JERRY

You can’t even spell.

LOPEZ

I know the difference between a lady and a laddy.

JERRY

(sarcastic) You know a lot of laddies. But let’s talk about your beginning. You started as a dancer in 1991 on the TV show In Living Color and became a regular until 1993. Then in 1997, you rose to stardom in the movie Selena.

LOPEZ

I made over a million bucks.

JERRY

Interesting. I’m one step closer to becoming a millionaire.

LOPEZ

Really?

JERRY

Yeah. All I need is a million dollars.

LOPEZ

Don’t disrespect my intelligence. I’m the 38th most powerful woman in the world. Not bad for a poor girl from the Bronx.

JERRY

What a coincidence. That’s where Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is from. She was worried last year that if Trump put sanctions on Turkey, there would be no Thanksgiving

LOPEZ

Esta loca! You are nuts!

JERRY

Speaking of nuts. You’re dating Ben Affleck, who you previously dated for two years. Why?

LOPEZ

Because I feel sorry for Ben. He’s like a toddler who needs a supervised visit. That’s why he broke up with actress Ana de Armas after nearly a year together. She never spanked him.

JERRY

It’s what you call a BenAna Split.

LOPEZ

My life with Ben is amazing. He’s a good spanker. Keeps my butt from getting bigger.

LOPEZ

Do you miss Alex Rodriguez?

LOPEZ

I do. But I still don’t understand why we broke up.

JERRY

I know. He couldn’t live through another rerun of Selena without drinking.

LOPEZ

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

JERRY

Hold on, Jello. Kim Kardashian is calling.

LOPEZ

Hey. She’s wasting my valuable time!

Jerry talks to Kim.

JERRY

What’s up?

KIM KARDASHIAN

Kanye and I are getting divorced, but I’m the one in therapy. The last straw was when he dressed up like Caitlyn Jenner on Halloween. Kanye showed lots of balls.

JERRY

Sounds like he’s suffering from insanity.

KARDASHIAN

No. He’s enjoying every minute of it.

JERRY

Hold that thought, Kimster. I’m putting J. Lo on the line.

KARDASHIAN

J. Lo?

All three are on the call.

KARDASHIAN

Hey, girl. I heard you dissed me on the Discovery Channel when they were talking smack about booties.

LOPEZ

Yes, I did. You’ve been making fun of my booty on your stupid TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians. What nerve! Your booty is so big that it has its own birth certificate. Even a legal name…Kanye. And Sis, I didn’t grow up privileged like you. There was no “Auntie Nicole and Uncle O.J.”

KARDASHIAN

Uncle O.J. treated me like his own daughter.

LOPEZ

For the record, Uncle O.J. murdered Auntie Nicole.

KARDASHIAN

No, he didn’t. Uncle O.J. is still searching every golf course that he plays on for the real killer.

LOPEZ

If the jerk looked in a mirror, he would save time. I hear you’re banned from beaches in California. Something about plastic ruining our ecosystem.

KARDASIAN

It’s unfair. I’ve only had a facelift, boob job and butt implants.

LOPEZ

Just think. Your plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.

JERRY

Ladies. I’m outta here. See you tomorrow.

Watch A Bit of Biden on Instagram every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. @abitofbiden

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.