The former prez wants back in the White House. So, for his edification, we present the Top 10 Ways to Reinstate a President, as drafted by the always-reliable Sidney Powell.
[From the Desk of Sidney Powell]
One of the simplest ways to reinstate a president: Chief Justice shouts “Do over” and re-administers Oath of Office. Result: Trump declared President.- Mike Pence reappears by Donald Trump’s side to display his patented obeisance, and people begin to assume Trump is still President. Result: Close enough.
- Kayleigh McEnany appears behind the desk in the Brady Press Briefing Room as if nothing happened; Fox News resumes covering Trump as President. Result: Enough people are confused into believing we’re back in 2019 and go about their business.
- Donald Trump secretly trades places with the Designated Survivor; January 6thmob is called back to storm the Capital; Biden, Harris and Pelosi “disappear.” Result: Since no one pays attention to the Order of Succession, Trump becomes de facto Leader.
- Donald Trump holds his 89thPress Conference (barring Jim Acosta and Dana Milbank to add verisimilitude); CNN and MSNBC, chasing ratings, resume extensive Trump coverage (meanwhile, Biden keeps spending massive federal dollars, but no one seems to notice). Result: Though 50% of Americans are appalled, 50% are elated that The Donald is back!
- Donald Trump declares The Trump International Beach Resort (Florida) the White House South, sets up shop (like the Popes in Viterbo), and orders all Republican members of Congress to come on down (they do), where they approve a Motion to Reinstate (ignoring that they can’t actually do that and don’t even have a majority). Result: Enough people buy it.
- Say out loud “President Donald Trump,” then repeat “President Donald Trump.” (No, wait, that’s how to restate a President, not reinstatea President. Never mind.)
- Go back in time (maybe using a Delorean); find an alternate universe where Trump was re-elected; live life there to the fullest. Result: Reinstatement on steroids.
- Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz and Q bring a Petition For Reinstatement directly to the U.S. Supreme Court; threatened with Jewish space lasers and charges of cannabalistic pedophilia – besides, several Justices think it’s a winning petition – the Court capitulates. Result: Triumphal return!
- And the Number One way to reinstate a president: Gerrymander like hell and pass ultra-restrictive voting rules until no one who objects has voting power, then just declare it’s done. Result: If enough people stay delusional, it’s as good as done.
Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.
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