Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about the US Olympic team, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Sha’Carri Richardson suspended from US Olympic team after testing positive for THC

C’mon, the only contest THC performance-enhances is pie eating.

Caitlyn Jenner wants to move homeless people to ‘big open fields,’ saying they are ‘destroying Venice Beach’

So, Kim’s backyard …?

Meghan McCain to leave ‘The View’

Look for her new show… ‘FOX and I Have No Friends.’

Free-from-prison Bill Cosby already getting offers to entertain again, spokesperson says

Rumor has it Bill Cosby is to make comeback in the all African-American Broadway production of ‘Fiddler on the Roofie.’

Porn Star Stormy Daniels just offered more evidence that Donald Trump paid to cover up their affair

If anyone is great at undercover work, it’s Stormy.

How dangerous is the Delta variant, and will it cause a Covid surge in the U.S?

All I know is, I don’t trust anything named Delta until they find my f**king luggage from 2017!

Rep. Val Demings to take on Marco Rubio in Florida Senate race

It’s the Cop vs. the Cop Out.

Sharks use earth’s magnetic field for navigation

Although, the American Bar Association still recommends members use GPS devices to be sure.

Cannabis lounges are finally legal in Las Vegas

I’m surprised, surprised they’d risk losing all that money at the ‘All You Can Eat Buffets.’

Megan Fox celebrates being bisexual in sultry Pride selfie

Calm down, folks, that just doubles the number of people who don’t have a shot …

Happy 50th Birthday, Elon Musk

Or, as they say at Space X, you’ve turned the Big L.

New York State Bar Association removes Rudy Giuliani from its membership

Pretty sure this isn’t the first time Rudy’s been tossed from a bar.

Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon to headline Central Park Homecoming Concert

Look for Art Garfunkel and the E Street Band to be working concessions.

Large alligator attacks woman shielding her dog at lake in Florida neighborhood

… No word if the gator thought she tasted like chicken …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)