Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about the Tokyo Olympics, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tokyo Olympics will be without spectators at venues amid Japan’s new Covid state of emergency

Or, as the Florida Marlins call it, a home game.

The Trump Org. allegedly kept two sets of books

So, sounds like Trump’s going to need a big Presidential library … what with housing all those two sets of books.

Cannabis lounges are finally legal in Las Vegas

I’m surprised … surprised they’d risk losing all that money at the ‘All You Can Eat Buffets.’

Nikole Hannah-Jones declines UNC tenure position and will join Howard University

I’m surprised Duke didn’t offer Hannah-Jones a position after the butt whooping she put on the University of North Carolina.

‘Masked Singer’ host Nick Cannon Is a father of 7!

I’m thinking Nick should appear as a guest on ‘Masked Singer’ dressed as Raw Dog ….

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck Photographed With Kids at Universal Studios

… Who knew they needed to pick up a few extra bucks working at a theme park?

Rand Paul offers an accidentally useful Jim Crow analogy in rationalizing his party’s illiberal shift

Let’s face it, if Rand Paul’s hair sees its shadow it means six more weeks of conspiracy theories.

Happy 81st birthday, Ringo Starr

Well, from everyone, except Pete Best.

Joey Chestnut celebrates 14th Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest with record 76 franks

… An actual event where THC is a performance enhancer.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton got married

No word if their vows included: “If any of you has a reason why these two should not be married, turn your chairs around now or forever hold your peace.”

Tucker Carlson talking with US based Russian intermediaries

Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing him on ‘Dancing with the Czars.’

Spectacular fireworks display in D.C.

And that was just when Kevin McCarthy bumped into Liz Cheney.

New video surfaces of Mexican president’s brother taking stacks of cash

In fairness, maybe he was preparing to pay for the wall in cash.

68-year-old Joe West is poised to break baseball’s umpiring record when the St. Louis Cardinals visit the Chicago White Sox. It will be his 5,376th game

… Congratulations, Joe West, breaking that record certainly took a lotta balls …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)