While Branson seems to have narrowly avoided it, this newly discovered intergalactic plot could still nab Jeff Bezos.
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
According to high ranking officials at the U.P.Y.O.U.R.S. (The Universal Intergalactic Law Enforcement Convention) Showaddy Woppe, former member of The Slobovian Secret Service and self-proclaimed “Universe’s greatest interplanetary private eye,” has uncovered a nefarious scheme to kidnap Earth billionaires Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos during their much-heralded space flights.
According to U.P.Y.O.U.R S. Inspector Gitchohandof M’asse, the plot was discovered while Showaddy Woppe was investigating another plot by the mafia of the planet Zardoc to flood the Earth with counterfeit toilet paper.
Documents show that the plan was hatched by a high ranking Zardocian mafia don known as Ratatangutangtang. Ratatangutangtang is believed to be responsible for such past Earth scams as Health Insurance and the Better Business Bureau, and there is a theory that he was the Earth father of Jesse James and Al Capone.
The plan to kidnap the Earth’s wealthiest men hinged on the Zardocian mafia’s ability to steal a GBXZ#$% from the Planet Gazintoo’s Space force. Apparently, that hasn’t been accomplished yet, thus Branson was able to avoid this frightening fate.
The unit is basically a giant pooper-scooper which would simply swipe the billionaires’ capsules from space.
The billionaires would be held for ransom… but that raises another mystery. According to interplanetary banking sources, there is no use for Earth money on the planet Zardoc. The ransom would have to be laundered through another Earth country.
In related news, there have been unconfirmed reports that Ratatangutangtang has been seen in the company of Vladimir Putin’s sister.
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