Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former president Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER ROD SERLING
Former President Donald Trump will soon find out that his life doesn’t exist any longer at Mar-a-Lago. Rather a middle ground between light and shadow. Between science and superstition. And it lies between the pit of man’s fears and summit of his knowledge. This is an area we call, The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning, Trumpster. Can I get you a Big Mac or KFC?
FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
I’ll have both, Duncan. Oh, throw in a large fries, slaw and 4 biscuits.
JERRY
You’ll be packing on more pounds.
TRUMP
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed that I cut myself a piece of pie.
JERRY
You’re on a speaking tour to reinforce you baseless claim that the election was rigged. Do you really believe you are still the President?
TRUMP
Of course, I am. Dead people voted for Joe Biden. I had 200 million votes.
JERRY
But there are only 133 million registered voters.
TRUMP
Fake news. You forgot to add Russians. It’s all on Fox News.
JERRY
I don’t watch Fox for the same reason I don’t eat out of a toilet.
TRUMP
I can’t sleep. I hear voices in my head. Do you realize that Donald J. Trump resurrected Sleepy Joe from the dead?
JERRY
Trumpster. You can’t be hearing voices. You have no brain.
JERRY
There are 15 tax fraud schemes against the Trump Organization during the past 16 years. Your CFO Allen Weisselberg is charged with grand larceny, criminal tax fraud, and falsifying business records. Do you have anything to say?
TRUMP
Who is Allen Weisselberg? Never heard of the guy. I got more important things to worry about. Illegals are coming over the border in swarms. My businesses are in the crapper. I’m trying to deport Melania and her parents. Ivanka isn’t hot anymore.
JERRY
Hold those thoughts. I have Joe Biden on the line.
JOE BIDEN
C’mon, man. Let me talk to that clown.
JERRY
(all three are on the line) Okay, fellas. Go at it.
BIDEN
Trump. You left me with a migrant problem at the southern border. You told those people that they could each own a Taco Bell. The best I could offer was a bean burrito. Gas prices are so high, we can’t drive them back home.
TRUMP
I got gas for $1. Damn bean burrito!
BIDEN
When you were President, the coronavirus was out of control. You did nothing to get shots in the arms of Americans. Within 6 months of my presidency, 66% of the country is vaccinated. I saved thousands of lives.
TRUMP
I’m the hero of the pandemic. I ordered Operation Warp Speed.
BIDEN
The only thing warped is your mind. You’re the idiot who confused your proctologist by putting rubber gloves on at the same time as him.
TRUMP
Professional courtesy, Sleepy.
BIDEN
Knock, knock, Trumpster.
TRUMP
Who’s there?
BIDEN
Annie.
TRUMP
Annie who?
BIDEN
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
JERRY
President Biden. Why have you been so successful since being in office?
BIDEN
I am fighting for the middle of the road, a little toad. I mean a commode. Bottom line, I make a helluva Vice President.
JERRY
You’re the President.
BIDEN
Smart aleck. Trying to get a cheap laugh at my expense.
JERRY
No. It’s the truth.
BIDEN
Can I call a lifeline?
TRUMP
I’m the real President. Will be running the White House in August. I’m a very stable genius. Help! Help me!!
ANNOUNCER ROD SERLING
Donald Trump, age 75, a loser, liar and cheat. Successful in nothing except in the one effort that a few men try at some time in their lives—dating Stormy Daniels. And perhaps across his empty mind, there will flit, a little errant wish. That a man might not have to become old. Never outgrow the parks and the merry-go-rounds of his youth, where his parents tried to abandon him under an old oak tree. And Donald will smile, because he’ll know it is just an errant wish. Some wisp of memory, not too important really. Some laughing ghosts that cross a man’s mind, on The Jerry Duncan Show.
Watch A Bit of Biden every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Instagram @abitofbiden
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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