Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing, even news about Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher — Ashton Kutcher listens to down-to-earth advice from Mila Kunis.

Why Ashton Kutcher sold his ticket to space after talking with Mila Kunis

Five words… That 70’s Show: The Reunion.

Coke planning major makeover for Coke Zero

Especially considering that Zero stands for its approximate number of sales.

Donald Trump reportedly fed up with ‘annoying’ Kimberly Guilfoyle

… proving even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Hunter Biden’s art to sell as high as $500K and the buyers will be kept ‘confidential’

Hunter Biden is the Billy Carter of Roger Clintons.

California taco restaurant posted a sign blaming government handouts for slow service and a staff shortage

… but took full credit for the speed the food goes through you!

Norwegian Cruise Line sues Florida Surgeon General over vaccine passport ban

They would’ve done it sooner, but it took a while to find someone to hold their place in the buffet line.

CNN is reporting that Manhattan Prosecutors are trying to work on cooperating with Matthew Calamari in the Trump Organization case

… if they offer a deal is that a squid pro quo?

Happy 79th Birthday, Harrison Ford

A man who never has to worry about being celibate because he’ll always be Hans Solo!

Trump arena tour with Bill O’Reilly bombs as thousands of tickets remain

They might as well just rename it the ‘Lollapalloser Tour.’

Too much Southern food can cause a sudden heart attack

That’s really deep…. Fried.

People keep saying Blazing Saddles couldn’t be made today

Duh, Cleavon Little and Gene Wilder are dead.

Team Trump just launched a new social media platform: GETTR

Although it’s more like GRIFTR.

Did you know that in Canada, legally, you can be married by a hockey ref?

And, get penalized for high sticking on your honeymoon.

Russian state hackers breached Republican National Committee

… so, nobody wanted to wake up Putin to get the password? …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)