Jerry Duncan Interviews His Math Teacher

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Leland Ahole, his former math teacher at Wasilla High.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Leland Ahole, my former math teacher at Wasilla High.

JERRY

Good morning, Mr. Ahole.

LELAND AHOLE, MATH TEACHER

I prefer Leland.

JERRY

C’mon. Be proud of your family name. You’re an Ahole!

LELAND

Why? I gave you a D in Geometry. It was the best grade in the class. The learning curves were so low.

JERRY

The only curves I remember were those two balloons on Jenny Wells. She also had a D. Bra size that is.

LELAND

That bimbo was your downfall, Duncan. Whatever happened to her?

JERRY

Jenny got knocked up her senior year. She ran around frantically asking everyone, “Are you sure it’s mine?”

LELAND

Not the brightest bulb on the tree. I once asked Jenny why she carried around a red marker.

JERRY

What did she say?

LELAND

In case I have to draw blood.

JERRY

Do you remember when you smacked me on top of the head, because I couldn’t see the difference between a circle and a square?

LELAND

I smacked lots of heads.

JERRY

You’d remember mine. It had a unicorn sticking out.

LELAND

Oh, yes. I injured my wrist and it hurt like hell for weeks.

JERRY

I should have reported you to the authorities. Now days you would have been arrested.

LELAND

C’mon, Duncan. Look at the bright side. I knocked some sense into you.

JERRY

True. I was seeing circles.

LELAND

And you were a square.

JERRY

Hey, Mr. Ahole. How long did you torture, I mean teach kids.

LELAND

40 years. But I had to quit. My eyes were so crossed, I couldn’t control my pupils.

JERRY

Are you retired?

LELAND

No. I’m a consultant for the Sarah Palin Brain Fart Institute. Our motto is “Without stupid people, we would have no one to laugh at.”

JERRY

Hold on. My mother is calling.

LELAND

That pain in the ass? She used to complain to the principal every day about me. Said you should have been in accelerated math.

JERRY

Why not?

LELAND

Because my class was accelerated math. Even Ripley couldn’t believe it.

Maggie Duncan is on the line.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Hi Jerry. Let me speak to the putz Leland Ahole.

JERRY

(connects the call)

Go at it, folks.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

You gave my son a D in Geometry. He worked hard for that grade and you told everyone it was a gift. Well, my middle fingers are my gift to you!

LELAND

Aren’t you dead, Mrs. Duncan?

MAGGIE

Yes. I kicked the bucket after a meal of soda and pop rocks.

JERRY

Time for you, Mr. Ahole, to go back to your gig at the Sarah Palin Mental Institute.

LELAND

No. It’s the Brain Fart Institute.

JERRY

Same thing.

JERRY

(sniffs) Something smells.

LELAND

My butt just blew you a kiss. I’m excited. Didn’t realize it could travel through a phone.

JERRY

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma. See you tomorrow.

Be sure to watch A Bit of Biden every Monday, Wednesday and Friday on Instagram @abitofbiden

(c) The Jerry Duncan Show, Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.