Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about Blue Origin, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Blue Origin’s Jeff Bezos reaches space on 1^st passenger flight

On a related note, Bezo’s dick pic has finally been released.

Right Said Fred spark backlash after attending coronavirus conspiracy protest

Sounds like Right Said Fred will now be known as Alt Right Said Fred.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg removed as officer of subsidiaries after criminal charges

Looks like Trump just threw Allen Weisselberg under the golf cart.

Shailene Woodley says sex scenes where women wear bras are unrealistic

While having a lighting and boom guy present: totally normal.

Gov. Cuomo to be probed by AG-appointed investigators in sexual harassment probe

Warning: If they don’t stay at least six feet away they might be the ones getting probed.

Tax returns show Caitlyn Jenner’s income has fallen sharply

… guessing at least 23 cents less on every dollar than she made when she identified as a guy …

Trump ally Barrack jailed on charges of acting as an agent of a foreign government

Hate to be the person who had to tell Trump, ‘No, not that Barrack.’

Congratulations, Giannis Antetokounmpo, on being the only the second player in NBA history to win Finals MVP, Defensive Player of the Year, multiple regular season MVPs

Not to mention, also being the winning National Spelling Bee word.

Happy 66th Birthday Willem Dafoe

Dude doesn’t look a day over 104.

Ice T’s daughter, Chanel, could not look any sweeter in new photo

Or, as she’s also known Cute T.

Texas man told someone he matched with on Bumble that he attended the US Capitol riot where the FBI says he attacked police with a metal whip. They turned him in

He really should’ve been on OK Stupid.

NFL says coronavirus outbreaks among unvaccinated players may lead to forfeits this season

On the other hand, it might be the only thing the Jets receivers actually catch.

A brawl broke out between a dozen parents at a Little League game in Kentucky

Could’ve been worse, the parents could’ve started out with all their teeth.

Florida, Missouri and Texas now account for 40% of new coronavirus cases in U.S.

… Proving that Missouri loves company …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)