Scenes from the Next ‘Friday the 13th’ Movie

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In the Next ‘Friday the 13th’ movie, Jason Voorhees, the retired boomer, bores camp counselors to death with complaints about “kids these days.”

Scenes from the next “Friday the 13th” movie:

Grilling up some burgers and dogs on this picturesque June afternoon, Sawyer? Better make room for your face. Oh wait, the grill’s not even on. What’s worse, you’re using it to lay out all the containers of Thai food you picked up in town. Christ. You even brought chopsticks. And to think you’re the one who’s scared.

Friday the 13th
Photo of mask from Friday the 13th, by Justin Campbell on Unsplash.

You’ve probably never even grilled before. Typical. This is a top-of-the-line Weber, you know. (Of course you don’t.) Do you buy all your meat pre-cut, too? Assuming you do eat meat, which I’m not so sure, not with those skinny arms of yours. I saw you struggle with the firewood earlier. Back in the day, you’d be bullied for looking like that. This was before school shootings became a thing, so you knew there was no downside. It would toughen you up, boost your self-esteem. But look at what you have now. Kids just don’t know how to—

Woah there, you just collapsed with a mouthful of Tom Kha Kai. They must have poisoned you over at that place. Figures. They want to come to this country and then stuff like this happens. That’s one reason I hunt and forage for all my food.

Don’t bother running, Channing, those flip flops with the bottle opener on them won’t do you any good. So, you just had to come down here to the equipment shed all alone and fumble around for whatever it was you thought looked so darn hilarious after you smoked pot this morning, didn’t you? Well go ahead, look around. There’s stuff here for capture the flag, tug of war, kickball…

Oh, no. No, no, no. What are those? Over there in that box. Please don’t tell me those are participation trophies. I shouldn’t have to tell you that if you make the losers feel like winners, that’s going to be awfully confusing for everybody. We don’t need any of that ‘yin yang’ stuff around here. Don’t get the wrong impression about me, though. I just told your skinny friend that I’m all about improving self-esteem, I really am. But not like this. You have to be sort of abused, that’s the only way it works. Otherwise, what you get is a whole generation that thinks it’s okay to be mediocre at—

Are you alright? I know these floorboards are rotting, but you don’t need to examine them that closely. Oh, you’ve stopped breathing. Well, this shed is pretty small, you probably ran out of air.

Where do you think you’re headed, Karter? I know you’re freaked out about Sawyer, but are you really trying to take an Uber out of here? It didn’t used to be that simple. There were no “smartphones” to call a ride with an “app.” If you wanted to escape from me, you’d have to drive something with a manual transmission—a skill I doubt you have.

The problem is you’re too dependent on technology, whether it’s phones that have a GPS or vehicles that shift by themselves. I, for one, am sick of it. (Yes, I know I was once transformed into an indestructible cyborg in a nanotechnology-equipped space station, but this isn’t about me.) You think you can skate by with the push of a button, or by pressing down one pedal at a time. Well have I got news for you: sooner or later you’re going to have to learn that—

Watch it! You just fell face first into the road, specifically that giant mud puddle. I guess all this car talk is overwhelming for a girl. Your driver’s going to be upset you didn’t cancel your ride, and I wouldn’t blame him. Yet another case of you teens throwing personal responsibility out the window.

Let me sink my machete into this log down by the water to get your attention, Paisely. I see you wanted to sleep under the stars. Good call. Light breeze, no bugs. Oh, there’s two of you in that sleeping bag. I would say sorry to interrupt, but I think being preoccupied by a threatening adult figure while getting it on is a traditional family value. I’ve seen this before, actually, and let me tell you: years ago I’d grab that bag you’re in and whip you into a tree several times. But I just can’t do that anymore, not with the problems I’ve been having with my back lately. The weight itself isn’t an issue. It’s the torque that gets me.

But that’s the downside of having a self-reliant lifestyle. The place I live in? I built it. Something breaks? I fix it. The bodies I bury? I dig the holes. Sure, it takes a toll, but it’s better than having to call someone up all the time. I bet if your bathroom floods or your roof caves in, you get your landlord on the line ASAP. Funny. You probably don’t want to get your texting thumbs all dirty. Instead of having fun here at the lake, you should be down at Amazon ruining your back too. Then you’ll know the value of hard—

Are you two sleeping already? Hello? I guess you must have finished before I got here.

That thunk you all heard outside was me, and now I’m here, standing in front of the only exit as you look up from your Monopoly board in fear. Interesting game, really. Gets me thinking how you have so many ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards in life that my previous victims didn’t. Being paid 15 bucks for a job that’s worth half as much, moving back in with your parents because rent is too expensive or whatever, having your student loans reduced


Wait, you’re telling me they’ve mainly just pushed back the date for when you have to start paying again? I’d expect more from this administration. But you get my point.

Back when we had a real president — he had been an actor, but one of the good ones — you’d get a little part-time job to pay for a semester or two. And then you’d cut back on the fancy steaks and such. Scoff all you want, but it works. You say you need the government to do more because the cost of living is too high, the minimum wage has been stagnant, the top one percent hoard their wealth to send themselves into space and wave their dick around for a few minutes, blah, blah, blah. You know what I think? I think you want to leech off the welfare state because you’re entitled and lazy and idealistic and—

My God, all six of you slumped over in your chairs simultaneously! Bizarre. I know Monopoly can be tough to get through, but not this tough.

William Vaillancourt
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