Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, including that about proof of vaccination, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New York will require proof of vaccination for indoor dining and gyms

Governor Cuomo will also be required to social distance …

Kanye West announces ‘Donda’ album release party at Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium

Personally, I’m refusing to comment on Kanye’s new album because of my rights under HIP-HOPAA.

Delta variant, Louisiana doctors, slowly cracking vaccine resistance

If Louisiana wants 100% compliance on the vaccine, they should just deep fry it.

Trump encourages supporters to buy misspelled ‘Trump Offical Card’

In fairness, that might be how it’s spelled in the original German.

Belarus sprinter Krystsina Tsimanouskaya refused to leave Japan, Tokyo Olympics

Free advice: Krystina needs to marry Giannis Antetokounmpo, just so she can run 100 meters faster than you can say Krystsina Tsimanouskaya-Antetokounmpo.

PepsiCo to sell Tropicana, other juices, in $3.3B deal

Or, as Whole Foods calls that, 2 six-packs and a bag of almonds.

“My body, my choice” protesters say of COVID-19 vaccine mandate at Henry Ford Health System

That’s a lot of overweight, out of shape white guys saying Americans should make their own health decisions .. unless you’re a black girl in a leotard.

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher say they only bathe their kids when ‘you can see the dirt on them’

Or, as it’s also known, ‘Skunk’d.’

Happy 60th birthday to President Obama

Born sixty years ago – on the Kenyan island of Hawaii.

Jennifer Aniston revealed that she has cut ties with “a few people” who refused to get the COVID-19 vaccine

So, they’re on break…?

Conservative radio talk show host Larry Elder officially in the recall race against Newsome

The amazing thing is so many people have no recall as to who Larry is.

South Korea has detected its first two cases of the ‘Delta Plus’ variant of COVID-19

On the upside, it does allow you to check your luggage curbside.

DaBaby doubles down on homophobic rant with more offensive comments

DaBaby needs a talking to from Matt Damon’s daughter.

O.J. Simpson says he avoids Los Angeles for fear of running into the real killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman

… or, a mirror …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)