Jerry Duncan Interviews Senator Rand Paul

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Rand Paul.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Senator Rand “Road Flare” Paul.

JERRY

Good morning, Senator Paul from Kentucky.

SENATOR RAND PAUL

Good morning.

JERRY

Can I call you Rand?

PAUL

Sure.

JERRY

Great. Let’s start with a fun fact. American writer Mark Twain said, “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky.”

PAUL

There’s a man with good taste.

JERRY

Hold on there, Rand. He went on to say, “Kentucky is always 20 years behind everything.” And that was in the 19th century!

PAUL

Things have improved, Duncan. We have a huge coal, natural gas and petroleum industry.

JERRY

That’s not a good thing. Think what those carbon emissions did to Mitch McConnell. He shrunk from a tortoise to a turtle.

PAUL

That’s if you believe in science, which I don’t.

JERRY

But you’re an ophthalmologist. Practiced for years in Kentucky.

PAUL

Everyone in Kentucky is a doctor. Even Colonel Sanders had a medical license. He specialized in chicken breasts.

JERRY

Really?

PAUL

We’re not real doctors. Oh sure, I did cataract, LASIK and glaucoma surgeries here and there. Looks good when you’re running for Congress.

JERRY

Hey, Doc. How many eyes does it take to change a light bulb?

PAUL

Is this some kind of joke?

JERRY

I’m serious.

PAUL

Beats me.

JERRY

One of two.

PAUL

I should have known you would punk me.

JERRY

Speaking of jokes. You were an eye doctor for 17 years then got involved with the Tea Party in 2010.

PAUL

They believe in lower taxes, Duncan.

JERRY

And have a lower I.Q.

PAUL

Sorry. What did you say? I’m deaf in one ear. Something about a beer?

JERRY

No. But how about if I shove my foot up your rear?

PAUL

Just a minute. Let me turn around so I can hear you.

JERRY

Okay.

PAUL

Much better. You were saying?

JERRY

Ever think about cutting off your bad ear and giving it to your wife as an anniversary gift?

PAUL

I’m not Van Gough, you idiot.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

JERRY

Let’s see. You got elected to the Senate in 2010 and haven’t lost an election since then. You accuse Dr. Fauci of collaborating with the World Health Organization in funding the Wuhan Lab in China with dangerous experiments. Are you prejudice?

PAUL

I like the Chinese. Years ago, I said to a Chinese patient of mine. “We found your problem. You have a cataract.” He replied, “No. I drive a Rincon.” We worked things out.

JERRY

200,000 people died from COVID needlessly under Trump and his supporters. All because assholes like you refuse to wear a mask and set a bad example for the anti-vaxxers.

PAUL

Freedom, Duncan. From our government that is trying to take away my rights. Look. We can all agree on one thing, the coronavirus comes from a bat.

JERRY

And there’s one more thing we can agree. You are batshit crazy! See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.