Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about United Airlines, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

United Airlines to require all 67,000 U.S.-based employees to be vaccinated

In fairness, they’ll do anything to beat Delta.

Afghan President Ghani Flees Country as Taliban Enter Kabul: “It’s Over”

So, now look for all those Twitter epidemiology experts who became Women’s Gymnastics experts to now be Afghanistan scholars….

Obama cut Conan O’Brien from his 60th birthday party invite list

I’m betting Conan’s spot was taken by Jay Leno.

Jared Kushner’s starting an Investment Firm

They promise to make you a millionaire … if you started out as a billionaire.

A guy who spent $30 million to build Trump’s wall wants his money back

Hunch is, he gets bigly FU from Mexico!

Happy 84th birthday, Dustin Hoffman

One of the good things about aging is you probably forgot all about Ishtar.

My Pillow’s Mike Lindell claims he was ‘attacked’ at pro-Trump ‘symposium’

That’ll teach him to bring a pillow to a fist fight!

David Schwimmer shoots down Jennifer Aniston dating rumors

… so, look for their new show “Friends with Benefits.”

One in every 1,400 people in Florida hospitalized with COVID right now

And in Miami Beach, lots of complaints that their kids don’t call or write.

Megyn Kelly: The media is making January 6th out to be so much bigger than it was

Which is why Megyn needs to change her name to Karyn.

Alec Baldwin calls wife Hilaria Baldwin a ‘legend’ as she pumps breastmilk while snacking

Sounds like someone was playing the home version of ‘America’s Got Talent.’

Marjorie Taylor Greene reportedly spent 3 years hunting for Bigfoot

In fairness, a lot of people want to find their birth parents.

Kanye West offered free adult entertainment while staying at Mercedes-Benz Stadium

Yeah, but the concession stand costs are still a bitch.

Poll: Ron DeSantis approval rating sags as COVID-19 rages

… Well, they can always name a Disney World ride after him. ‘The Unvaxxed Pirates of the Caribbean Cruise Lines’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)