Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Larry David, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Larry David has angry exchange with Alan Dershowitz, prompting comparisons to ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’

SNL needs to get Bernie Sanders to play Larry David yelling at Alan Dershowitz.

Radioactive wild boar-pig hybrid emerges in nuclear wasteland of Fukushima

On the upside, restaurants that have it on the menu are getting glowing reviews.

Kabul’s sudden fall to Taliban ends U.S. era in Afghanistan

… Wondering how long before Piers Morgan’s blames the fall of Kabul on Meghan Markle.

Maureen Dowd slams Barack Obama over lavish 60^th birthday celebrations

Sounds like Dowd pulled a Karen by calling out Obama for ‘Birthday Partying While Black.’

Mike Richards has stepped down as the new host of ‘Jeopardy!’

In his favor, he probably took the news by remembering to phrase it as question by saying: “What is… what the f%*k?”

Lawmaker defends using campaign cash at strip club

Well, you’ve gotta always check out the poles.

NBA-LeBron fires back at critics who say Lakers are too old

… Then left for Denny’s for their early bird special.

Rand Paul’s 2016 presidential campaign committee fined $21K

So, that comes out to $7K per vote he received.

‘I’d rather be somewhere else’: Ron Johnson suggests he doesn’t want to be in the Senate

The giveaway was that his last campaign’s official song was ‘Back in the USSR.’

Lindell-apalooza melts down: MyPillow guy claims Antifa sabotaged his “cyber symposium”

If the MyPillow guy screws up anymore, he’ll be selling pillows to Bed, Bath and Behind Bars.

Happy 78th birthday, Robert DeNiro

Now when you ask, “are you talking to me?” it’s because your hearing’s going.

In Florida, hospitals are in such dire conditions, public libraries are being used as COVID treatment centers

Yeah, like anyone in Florida will know where there’s a library.

US sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson comes in dead last in newest race against Jamaicans

To be blunt, she got smoked.

A volcanologist shares the new science that may have solved the Dyatlov Pass mystery

… I thought Mr. Spock died. Oh wait… Volcan, not Vulcan. Never mind…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)