Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez’s latest house-hunting stop was an $85 million mega-mansion

… so, she’s now “Jenny who owns the whole block!”

Texas abortion law a “radical expansion” of who can sue whom, and an about-face for Republicans on civil lawsuits

Short version: Texas is turning ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ into a documentary.

Taco Bell dealing with shortages of ingredients, hot sauce, even napkins

… to go along with the usual absence of toilet paper…

Clapton to go on tour; Won’t require audience members to be vaxxed

I guess that’s why it’s called the Delta Blues.

Tennis star Alexander Zverev piles on Stefanos Tsitsipas’ bathroom breaks during US Open with cheating charge: ‘It’s not normal’

In fairness, the US Open happens in a place named Flushing.

Taliban mad the US made equipment inoperable

If they’re mad now wait until the ABS light starts blinking on those Humvee dashboards.

Want to know why you can’t get a McFlurry? So, do the feds

My bets on the Hamburglar.

Court backs a teacher who refused to use transgender students’ pronouns

Look for Transgender students to respond F&#k/You.

CNN says playing golf might help you live longer

Just make sure you don’t let Tiger Woods get behind the wheel of the golf cart.

Yvette Nicole Brown says Matthew McConaughey, who doesn’t wear deodorant, ‘smells like granola and good living

While Charlie Sheen smells like pharmaceuticals and a restraining order.

Historic flooding in New York after Ida blasts the Northeast

OMG, New York’s more underwater than a Trump Casino.

Anti-Vax radio hosts keep dying from COVID

So, Covidiocy killed the radio star?

Dog the Bounty Hunter marries Francie Frane 2 years after Beth Chapman’s death

Here’s betting they were registered at ‘Bed, Bath and Just Beyond the Reach of the Law.’

US Jobs Report Shows Gain of 235K in August

… Would’ve been 235,002 but y’know, Mike Richards lost two jobs at Jeopardy! …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)