Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/14/21 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about flight attendants, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

United asks flight attendants not to tape passengers to seats

At least not while there’s room to stuff them in an overhead compartment.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott’s approval plummets as 52 percent believe state is on wrong track

… yup, Texas is now called the Lone Star State based on its Yelp reviews.

Joe Rogan talks COVID, use of unproven ivermectin in podcast return

I’m not saying he took horse meds, but his new pronouns are giddy/up.

Hunter Biden’s paintings are going on sale, drawing critics of art and ethics

Hunter Biden is the Billy Carter of Eric Trumps.

SF Giants concession workers, who haven’t gotten a raise in three years, are voting on whether to strike

Could be worse, they could work for the Diamondbacks and also have to watch the team play …

FBI investigating Postmaster General DeJoy in connection with past political fundraising

So, let me get this straight, DeJoy could become the first Post Master General to have his pic on a Post Office ‘Most Wanted Bulletin Board?’

Deion Sanders explains why he insists on being called ‘Coach’

I’m guessing because ‘His Holy Father the Pope’ was already taken?

Jimmy Kimmel says unvaccinated Americans don’t deserve ICU beds

… but they could use some sugar cubes and carrots and hay.

The problem at Jeopardy! according to Piers Morgan

Uh, what is Meghan Markle?

GOP strategists fear Larry Elder is blowing his chances in the California recall: report

Good thing for Larry Elder, that according to his ex, he smokes lots of weed, ‘cause that way he won’t recall losing the Recall.

Philippines’ Duterte accepts 2022 vice presidential nomination

Makes sense, no one knows more about vice in the Philippines than Duterte.

CBS: North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un’s appears ‘thinner’ and ‘more energetic’

Hmmmm, or, maybe they just replaced him with a Jonger Hotter Un…

John Mulaney is accused of cheating on his ex-wife before his relationship with Olivia Munn

… someone f**king up their life further while on Cocaine, who woulda figured?

Pence slams Biden vaccine mandates: “Unlike anything I have ever heard”

… And this guy heard people chanting: “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!” …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)