Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Capitol attack, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Melania Trump gave even less of a f–k about the Capitol attack than previously thought

In fairness, she already had a jacket that covered that.

FAA reports increase in unruly passenger incidents

Well, it is called the Delta variant.

Man says he was compelled by ‘righteous anger’ to confront a group of women on a beach because of their ‘pornographic’ bikinis

Ironically … ending any chance of him getting to know any of them biblically.

A genealogist says there’s evidence Joe Biden’s 19th century ancestors owned 3 slaves: report

C’mon, Joe was way too young at the time to do anything about it!

Soda served in bucket at KFC dubbed the ‘most American’ thing ever

… actually, second to Type 2 Diabetes …

Prince Charles has very specific rules for how he takes a cup of tea

While Prince Andrew only likes his T with a little A.

Parent attacks teacher after mask dispute on first day of school, official says

See what happens when two people wear the same mask to the same event.

Scott Baio campaigned for Larry Elder running to replace Gavin Newsom as California governor before Elder was routed in recall election

Well, If Elder’s ex ain’t lying about his weed intake, it was a pairing of ‘Happy Days’ and ‘In A Daze!’

New Texas law opens up abortion bounty hunting

Welp, looks like COVID has more reproductive rights in Texas than women.

Norm Macdonald, comedian and ‘Saturday Night Live’ star, dies at 61 from cancer

Cancer did what Lorne, SNL, Comedy Central, NBC couldn’t do. It shut Norm Macdonald up. F**k you, Cancer.

Aaron Rodgers says a painful ‘double nut shot’ caused his first interception of the season

… or, as Nicki Minaj calls it “the COVID Vaccine.”

‘I can no longer fight on’: Keyshawn Johnson joins USC fans blasting Clay Helton

Yup, a team called the Trojans should provide way more protection for its QB’s.

Event organizers said they expected to have over 10,000 people at the KY Fairgrounds for a rally with Michael Flynn, Mike Lindell and Pastor Greg Locke. Fewer than 300 showed up

So, they had a rally, and the Trump Inaugural showed up!

Goldman Sachs will require anyone who enters the bank’s U.S. offices, including clients, to be fully vaccinated

… Yeah, but what about being dewormed?! …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)