Interview: Press Secretary Jen Psaki - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary.

Jen Psaki, Press Secretary — Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary. U.S. Department of State photo, Public Domain.

JERRY

Good morning, Jen.

JEN PSAKI

Good to be here. Oops. I misspoke.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Ginger.

JEN

Sorry.

JERRY

Hey. What do you call a redhead that goes off the deep end?

JEN

I don’t know.

JERRY

A ginger snap.

JEN

Do you know why I’m here?

JERRY

You like being insulted?

JEN

No. President Biden wants me to show your audience highlights of his advice for how to deal with life called A Bit of Biden.

JERRY

How about getting a pet? My mother is up for adoption.

JEN

Roll the tape, Jerry.

JERRY

Here we go, Jen.

A montage of taped anecdotes.

JOE BIDEN #1

A wedding is a ceremony where two people are united in marriage. Wedding traditions and customs vary greatly between cultures, ethnic groups, religions, countries, and social classes. Do you know cannibals do a rehearsal dinner? They “toast” the bride and groom. I’m serious, folks.

BIDEN #2

Folks. A handyman is a person skilled at a wide range of repairs. Typically, around the home. Sometimes the job is described as side work or odd jobs. Everything from fixing a leaky toilet to changing a fixture. My handyman called the other day. He said, “Joe. When should I come to fix the hinges?” I said, “Anytime. The door is always open.”

BIDEN #3

A teacher is a person who helps students obtain knowledge, competence, and virtue. My wife Jill is a teacher. Man, I wish my teachers were that hot when I was a kid. I remember in second grade when my teacher called on my friend Teddy. She said, “If I have 5 bottles on one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?” He replied, “A drinking problem.” I’m serious, folks.

BIDEN #4

Here’s the deal. Studies have shown that taking time away from the job can have physical and mental health benefits. People who take vacations have lower stress, less risk of heart disease, a better outlook on life, and more motivation to achieve goals. Snowbirds travel to Florida in the winter to play golf and tennis. Arizonans beat the summer heat and go to the beach in California. And me? Jill and I go to our beach house in Delaware. I enjoy bicycle riding and “happy hour” afterwards. But it’s not what you think, folks. When you get to be my age, “happy hour” is a nap. I got to give props to Rip Van Winkle.

BIDEN #5

July 4th is Independence Day. The annual celebration of nationhood. It commemorates the adoption of Independence by the Continental Congress on July 4th, 1776. 56 signatures are on the Declaration. Folks like Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, Alexander Hamilton, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Samuel Adams. By the way, that Adams fella makes a helluva beer. C’mon man, have fun. Go celebrate the 4th with a 5th.

BIDEN #6

Memory is the faculty of the brain in which data or information is stored or retrieved when needed. My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles at the beach with my grandmother. Such a beautiful experience. That is until my mom took the urn from me. I’m serious, folks.

BIDEN #7

Folks. A personal trainer is an individual who has earned a certification that demonstrates they have achieved a level of competency for creating and delivering safe and effective exercise programs. For example: movement, flexibility, balance, and muscular fitness. The other day, I asked my personal trainer if he could teach me the splits. “How flexible are you?” He asked. I said, “Any days except Wednesday and Friday.”

JEN

That’s all I got, Jerry.

JERRY

All good, but here’s one Joe missed. Remember the inspiring words of President Abraham Lincoln who said to his servant, “Stop tap dancing and give me back my top hat.”

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.