Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Olivia Jade, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade is sparking ‘DWTS’ backlash by saying she’s ‘best-known’ as an influencer

Yeah, like we’re even sure that’s her.

Pfizer vaccine now to be called ‘Comirnaty,’ Moderna vaccine ‘SpikeVax,’ and AstraZeneca vaccine ‘Vaxzevria’

While, Ivermectin will continue to be called Giddyuphorsie.

SpaceX launches all-civilian crew on Inspirartion4 mission

I’m betting the space tourists were able to spot two things on earth. The Great Wall of China and Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swollen nut sack.

‘Truth is truth’: Trump dealt blow as Republican-led Arizona audit reaffirms Biden win

So, Biden beat Trump again in Arizona. But, it’s a dry beat ….

Happy 72^nd Birthday, Bruce Springsteen

His latest song is “Born to Run to the Bathroom at 3 a.m.’

Rudy Giuliani’s banned from FOX News for at least 3 months

Look for him to return on his own show called, ‘FOX and Friendless.’

Lauren Boebert sent out a release calling to ‘Imeach Biden’

In fairness, the p is probably still on that Putin/Trump tape.

Marcon to talk to Biden amidst crisis over subs

… for those on the East Coast, that’s hoagies.

Britney Spears and Sam Asghari are engaged

Ooops, she did it again!

Bear runs into U.S. supermarket

What with too few picnic baskets this year, it could’ve been Yogi with Boo Boo at the wheel of the getaway car.

Rolling Stones pay poignant tribute to drummer Charlie Watts at first show since his death

Amazingly, Charles Watts has been gone about a month and still looks better than Keith Richards.

Goldman Sachs will require anyone who enters the bank’s U.S. offices, including clients, to be fully vaccinated

Yeah, but what about being dewormed?!

Behati Prinsloo calls her and husband Adam Levine’s new Tequila Brand their ‘third baby’

Fourth, if you count Blake Shelton.

Florida residents in uproar as scientists prepare to release 750 million genetically modified mosquitoes

… While others are more worried about what the mosquitoes will catch …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)