Interview: Proctologist Ervin Swanson - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Dr. Ervin Swanson, a proctologist from Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Dr. Ervin Swanson, a proctologist here in Wasilla, Alaska.

JERRY

Welcome Dr. Swanson.

PROCTOLOGIST DR. HECTOR SWANSON

Thank you.

JERRY

Before we get started, I want to let you know a good friend of mine is a proctologist.

SWANSON

Good. With a friend like him, who needs enemas?

JERRY

Spoken like a true graduate of Trump University. So explain to my audience what a proctologist does.

SWANSON

Sure. Proctology is the medical practice dealing with disorders of the rectum, anus and colon. In particular, the anus and rectum. It includes so many facets that I can’t put my finger on it.

JERRY

Well. You sure know how to put a finger in it. I squeal like a pig every time.

JERRY

When did you decide to become a proctologist?

SWANSON

In high school.

JERRY

High school?

SWANSON

Yes. There were lots of assholes in my classes. One day, a mean kid told me I had a face only a mother could love. When I went home, my parents admitted I was adopted. I freaked out, but felt a little better when they said the dog was also adopted.

JERRY

Where did you go to college?

SWANSON

Dumb Woody University in Minneapolis.

JERRY

Dumb Woody? That name reminds me of elementary school when the slowest reader volunteered to read for the class. Kids were jumping out of the window. I was going to jump, too. Then realized by doing so, my psychiatrist would be out of work.

JERRY

Where did you go to medical school?

JERRY

Speak No English School of Medicine in Tijuana, Mexico. It’s a unique program.

JERRY

Sounds like a joke.

SWANSON

No, Senor Duncan. Do you know what they call a med student there who doesn’t finish?

JERRY

Spare me.

SWANSON

A doctor.

JERRY

In all the years you’ve been practicing, tell me an incident that sticks out the most.

SWANSON

There was this man who had a wire hanger stuck up his rear end.

JERRY

Are you pulling my chain?

SWANSON

Not at all. Apparently, he was doing his own colonoscopy in order to save $2,500. I managed to get the wire out, but his buns were dancing cheek to cheek for years.

JERRY

Any other stories?

SWANSON

An 80-year-old senile man came to my office for a colonoscopy. The procedure went well and his results were perfect. Not one polyp. But before leaving, he complained it was the worst dentist appointment ever.

JERRY

Let me ask you. Why would anyone in their right mind move to Wasilla besides me? It’s Sarah Palin country. No sign of intelligent life.

SWANSON

I fell in love with an Eskimo woman that I met online. We’ve been dating for 5 years.

JERRY

Nice.

SWANSON

For her 40th birthday, I threw a surprise “house-warming” party in her Igloo. She’s now homeless.

JERRY

Hey, Doc. What kind of shoes does the Eskimo businessman wear?

SWANSON

No clue.

JERRY

Low furs.

SWANSON

Bend over while I put on my glove.

JERRY

Yikes!! So long from Wasilla, Alaska. Where leaves make good toilet paper.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.