Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about the McRib, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The McRib sandwich is back

So is the McDefibrillator.

Gorillas shock onlookers with oral sex show at Bronx Zoo in hilarious video

… looking for the vid to be called ‘Gorillas in the Midst.’

Brett Kavanaugh has COVID

Hmmm, did he get the Corona or CoronaLightVirus?

Biden had a four-letter reaction after he found Trump’s giant video golf setup in the White House: Book

Guessing it wasn’t ‘Fore!’

Nicki Minaj steps out in purple ombré knee length wig

That took balls … enormous, swollen balls.

LA. Sen Kennedy: Biden on a ‘mission from God’ to appease ‘pink-haired ‘wokers’ who carry around Ziploc bags of kale’

Well, he does need that vote from Senator Sinema.

Taliban foot soldiers need to stop having so much fun and taking selfies, Afghanistan’s new defense minister says

Yup, they could even be heard singing, “Tonight, we’re partying like it’s 1399…”

Joe Rogan: Trump will ‘100%’ run for president again and win if pitted against Biden or Harris

… Rogan also predicted he was shoo-in to win the Preakness next year.

Nick Cannon on possibility of future children: ‘My therapist says I should be celibate’

Too bad, because with next kid he gets a free soda and medium fries.

Biden says he’ll “work like hell” to pass infrastructure, social spending bills

… wondering if people at a sausage factory say what they do is like watching Congress put together a bill …

Gov Noem is rumored to be having an affair with Corey Lewandowsky

Apparently, # MeToo for Repub women refers to having had sex with Corey Lewandowsky.

Anderson Cooper dubs inheritance a ‘curse,’ won’t leave money to son

Hey, Anderson, we’re not related. Hint. Hint.

R Kelly trial: Singer faces decades in jail after jury verdict finds him guilty in sex trafficking case

R. Kelly still believes he’s innocent, then again, he also believes he can fly!

Trump had a staffer responsible for playing him show tunes when he was angry

… damn, I had Pence pegged as the show tune guy…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)