Jerry Duncan Interviews an Alaskan Eskimo

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Shin Taqqiq, an Alaskan Eskimo from Wasilla.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Shin Taqqiq, an Alaskan Eskimo from Wasilla.

SHIN TAQQIQ

What? You think I from Miami?

JERRY

(sarcastic) Sure. And I’m from Mars.

SHIN

That make sense, Blunken.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. And it’s pronounced Duncan.

SHIN

I don’t care. Baseball say, “Man with four balls hard to walk.”

JERRY

Hey, Shin. You have an unusual name.

SHIN

Eskimos name children after body parts. We go on living in afterlife. I named after lower part of leg. My mother name is Brain. Very smart.

JERRY

What makes her smart?

SHIN

She write book The Eskimo Guide to Bathing in Salt Water.

JERRY

Why salt water?

SHIN

Because pepper make you sneeze.

JERRY

She’s a real brain. A lame brain!

SHIN

I have Eskimo name for you, Blunken.

JERRY

Bring it on.

SHIN

Yotimo.

JERRY

What does that mean?

SHIN

A yellow jacket who carry meat from house to nest.

JERRY

Enough with the names. I’ve always wondered. How come Eskimos don’t freeze to death? It’s 45 degrees below zero in the winter and your peeps live in an igloo.

SHIN

Man find hot woman. Rub noses and wear lots of fur. Igloo inside 19 degrees. Up to 60 with sex.

JERRY

That will do it.

SHIN

But more important, snow used in igloo to keep warm. Air pockets trapped inside good insulation.

JERRY

What happens to your igloo when the snow melts?

SHIN

We have Slushy party.

JERRY

I noticed your nice teeth. Do you brush them twice a day?

SHIN

We don’t brush. Use teeth like tool. Chew blubber, tear off caribou meat, eat fish from spear. No need for dentist.

JERRY

What if you have a cavity?

SHIN

Pull tooth with string attached to pickup truck. Step on gas. Nice teeth when young. No teeth when old.

JERRY

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

SHIN

Possum run over by sled?

JERRY

A brick.

JERRY

I’m curious. Are you married?

SHIN

No. Girlfriend have cold feet. Other night, she give me cold shoulder.

JERRY

Relax, my furry friend. Think about the best four years of your life.

SHIN

Okay. Third grade. Thanks, Blunken.

JERRY

It’s pronounced Duncan. But what the hell. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.