Q-Tips Besiege Scientology’s Last Stronghold

A War to End All Worlds: Q-Anon v Scientology

The ever-expanding evil empire of insatiable orange-hued dementia, Q-Anon, has finally crossed the Rubicon and sparked an apocalyptic war whose only logical outcome can be the end of human civilization, and quite possibly the universe itself! Increasingly envious of the ‘Church’ of Scientology and its unearned market share of batshit crazy Kool-Aid lunacy, Q-Anon have decided to peacefully liberate a vast legion (!) of towering intellectual heavyweights.

Oh and maybe Tom Cruise as well!

Uncongenially partisan rumors abound that L Ron Hubbard’s immovable object are the only cult in the whole of America history to be equally dumb, delusional and psychopathic as Q-Anon.

However, I kinda don’t want to be the guy to say that myself in so many words so I guess I’m just throwin’ that out there…

Don’t mind me!

Mars Reacts

Yet mirabile dictu, the otherwise entirely sane, levelheaded, reasonable and NON-LITIGIOUS (I repeat, TOTALLY NON-LITIGIOUS!) Church of Scientology have become unexpectedly vicious and defensive at Q-Anon‘s arrogantly muscling in on their territory…

And this uncharacteristically violent and moronic act of self-interested psychopathy from the Q-Tips is one that for some explicable reason, the Scientologists themselves can’t help but portray as some kinda…

Uh, purely ego-driven, psychologically predatory, PR-motivated, greed-ridden and misanthropic act of narcissistic aggression?!

Exalted Triffid Marshall Miscavidge and Grand Uranian Cyclops L Uvalunatic H. Ubbardhumper have already begun ramping up the rhetoric on their subscription-only premium rate Discord channels, as they desperately hawk for the intergalactic funding drives to end all intergalactic funding drives, and indeed all galaxies!

Stop listening to all these flaming zinc-deficient, hysterical, demented nutjobs!

We all know a fool and his money are soon parted: L Ron Hubbard said that!

I know because it’s in Dianetics…

Nah-nah-NAHHHHH, the REAL version, not the one the fake news and the dishonest media are using to discredit ME, your favourite final boss level life-ending acid trip psychedelic space opera overlord!

Now, I do hope you’re sitting down when I say this, but…

(HUFFFFFFF! Big menacing pause for breath!)

Yes, that’s right!

Believe it or not, Q-Anon are nothing but yet another made up, mansterical, bullshit death cult scam…

THPAH!

Purely designed to cruelly part clueless and incompetent idiots from their ill gotten dollars by artificially whipping up irrational delusions and fears regarding purely imaginary and phantastical unseen enemies…

THPAH!

Which absolutely nobody outside of the nethermost depths of Arkham Asylum could possibly imagine…

THPAH!

Unless they were somehow irredeemably dumb and delusional enough to just go ahead and suck up all the meaningless, made-up bullshit every money-grubbing Kool Aid swigging crackhead told ’em…

THPAH!

On some final boss level acid trip to end all a…

THPAH!

Oh well would you just look at that purple cockatrice!

WUHOOOOOOO!

BRAP-BRAP-BRAP!

You-put-a-nickel-in-the-slot….

Fly-a-kite you’ve flowwwwn…

Oh and on an entirely relevant and pertinent sidenote:

“The head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 yrs ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet — 178 billion on average) by mass implanting.

He caused people to be brought to  (Earth) and put an H Bomb on the principal volcanoes (Incident 2) and then the Pacific area ones were taken in boxes to Hawaii and the Atlantic Area ones to Las Palmas and there “packaged.”

His name was Xenu.

He used renegades.

Various misleading data by means of circuits etc. was placed in the implants.

When through with his crime Loyal Officers (to the people) captured him after 6 years of battle and put him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is.

“They” are gone.

The place (Confed.) has since been a desert.

(NB: Not satire: this is what they actually believe! Just ask Chef!)

Flying High with Flynn

In the meantime, Semi-Engorged Cyclops Michael Flynn has spu… er, spat out the following mansterically macho rhetoric:

People need to stop overthinking what everyone is saying and listen to what is happening around us.

Pay attention to the reality that is happening around us instead of interpreting things that don’t need interpretation.

OK, I guess that’s pretty sound advice.

Not much to fault there!

Pandemic of the Unprincipled

On a less pleasant note, non-delusional death cult averse people around the globe are terrified that this particular clash of the titans is the only conceivable one batshit crazy enough to create a peaceful and equitable workable compromise to suit both sides

A world-historical singularity of lunacy so all-encompassingly catastrophic, as to make the survival even of the very universe itself utterly inconceivable!

But on the plus side, Nancy Pelosi has called for a greater degree of mutual respect, civility and constructive, intelligent dialogue in Hollywood between rival prima donna factions…

And indeed between the warring Q Anon and Church of Scientology forces more generally.

So I guess that’s a start!

Chuck Schumer is also rumored to be bawling his head off outside the Supreme Court HQ…

As he believes actually pushing anything even remotely of substance through Congress now on any topic whatsoever would be unnecessarily divisive and would probably harm the prospects of healthy lobbyist retention bipartisan compromise and conciliation:

America faces a lethal pandemic of the unsympathetic.

So me and Nancy have decided against the Congressional approach.

For in our opinion and that of many perfectly level headed and moderate legacy media intellectuals, we deem that any kind of disproportionately legally-obsessed response…

As distinguished from the kinda more flamboyantly poeticising and aesthetically meaningful one we are helpfully proffering here tonight…

Well, any redundant token bill-passing gesture we could conceivably put to the House would inevitably be perceived as nothing more than some kinda shallow Kabuki theatre photo-op…

And one existing purely for the purposes of meaningless, self-promotional, pseudo-progressive virtue signalling.

Which by the way, I never said either side was entirely innocent of, but right now I’m upset with the other guys so I think you need to make that clear and maybe put it a bit in context too, nonetheless!

Let me be clear, I have nothing personal against either the Church of Scientology or Q-Anon, and I want that put on record, as I am here at the Supreme Court purely to avoid any unnecessarily provocative measures that might be deemed an incongenially hostile and partisan act…

Y’know like, trying to pass some laws that might not reach absolute 100% unqualified assent from both parties and all their actual and potential voters in the entirety of recorded history.

Justice Democrats v Hustler Democrats

Cenk Uygur has helpfully provided an unapproved and somewhat more concise translation into non-Beltwayese:

So basically, Chucky Chickenshit is doing us another one of those good little turns of his and telling us he hasn’t found the plums to stand up to Q-Anon or any other delusional death cult, because Chucky

‘s Chickens had rather enjoy the privileges of permanent opposition than ever try and make any real sacrifices…

Woahhhhh! Brave stuff, man! Future generations, they gotta love this.

A certain as-yet-officially-un-approved-and-or-un-deprecated splinter group of the Democratic Party, the Fundamental-Moderatists of the Eminently Reasonable Far Center Mainstream are said to be clutching their pearls in dismay:

That is exactly the kind of divisive, hyper-partisan rhetoric that is destroying democracy!

Honestly, if The Young Turks don’t stop acting exactly like Q Anon and the Church of Scientology with this blatantly disrespectful, one-sided and intolerant trolling of theirs, we might not even have a democracy left by say, I dunno… 2050, 2100, whenever!

I mean we’re pretty much OK for the time being but who knows where America might end up in the next century or few if the unbearably destabilizing, incendiary rhetoric of both sides is allowed to continue!

You know, if people as moderate, tolerant and middle of the road as us can’t even see any difference between Cenk Uygur v Q-Anon and the Church of Scientology, how the hell are all these “low-information” voters (YIK that’s a pretty obvious tautology by the way!) going to tell the difference?

Oh look they just YIK’d the hell out there and used a web acronym.

Beyond stunning, beyond brave; it just doesn’t get any more socially engaged than this!

Still, if it’s any consolation, Joe Biden has issued a scathing denunciation, roundly condemning Q Anon and Scientology in the most viciously abrasive public statement America has seen since the Eastland Affair and “White supremacy is pretty bad, but then again, desegregated schooling might be triggering to Nazis.”

Gotta Know Like Joe

Look, I’m the guy that came up in the 1970s, of JFK and MLK, a bit like the 2020s, of Steve Bannon and Marjorie Taylor Greene, and I know how things work, and I can get things done!

Now we all have things we agree or disagree with in this country.

But if you were just to take things at surface value and listen uncritically to all these dangerous rumors from self-interested schoolmarmish scolds and smart-ass partisan gossips, these are the things you’d probably hear:

“Some people get off on 24/7 opposing vaccine mandates and invoking seven-fold legions of hellfire demons, whilst others eschew pseudo-religious gaslighting and wantonly infecting others with deadly viruses.”

And again:

“Some people are sincerely and honestly convinced that many billions of years ago, an evil cosmic overlord called Xenu dropped 13 million frozen Thetans in a volcano in some distant galaxy, while others are of the similarly prevalent and honestly held opinion that Scientology is quite possibly the world’s most dangerous form of low-functioning narcissistic psychopathy.”

Now, I guess I can see why there are always going to be people who find either opinion more convincing than the other.

And you know what?

That’s perfectly fine.

And this would be a pretty boring country if we all agreed about everything, all the time.

But you know what?

You have to respect the other person’s opinion too.

Nothing is gained from being a wise guy and thinking you’re smarter than everybody else; after all, the other side probably think the same about you, and why wouldn’t they?

After all, if you were them, you’d probably think your opinion was stupid too, and if they were you, they’d probably think their opinion was stupid too.

Or rather your opinion would be theirs and theirs would be y…

Or, or vice versa.

Which could have been said by Donald Rumsfeld, but then it wouldn’t have been said by me, or, or, or something.

Or even by Dan Quayle.

And J. R. Ewing.

Now!

So, I think as long as everyone in America’s just open and honest with each other about what we really believe, instead of just sitting back and listening to all this crazy, one-sided, partisan malarkey from the minor clique of finaglers and hustlers on both sides, who are only too happy to paint their opponents in the most exaggerated and caricatured manner…

Well, I think the rest is pretty easy!

We just need to make sure we get that first little step done first.

Now I am convinced we can do it…

We all need to tone down the aggressive rhetoric and self-obsessive dogmatism of all sides.

And we all need to try and get all the moderates, all the level headed, fair minded, morally sane, even generally sane, rational people within Q Anon and the Church of Scientology round the table, and we’re gonna have a nice long chat together, and we’re gonna settle our differences in the spirit of Christian Charity…

Or Satanic or Scientological charity, or y’know, whatever floats yer boat!

There’s a big tent here, I figure we got room enough for all.

In a country as big and as incredible as America, we just can’t afford to be so, y’know, so goddamn knee-jerk exclusionary to contrary opinions!

Cos you know what?

I find it sad.

Yes!

I find it sad when both sides do it; I don’t tolerate it from the Republican Party, and I sure will not put up with it in the Democrats!

So, I’m pretty sure we can all succeed in hammering out some kind of nice, rational, balanced, objective, impartial, mutually respectful middle ground between Q Anon and Scientology, and keep hitting it, and hitting it, and hitting it.

Yes, all we need to do is to have the cooler, open minded, more charitable heads from both of ’em prevail!

Well you know what they say, Joe…

God loves a trier!

Oh, and just to round us off…

A little point of online ethics!

Rumors abound that this mildly curious narrative you’ve just read, with its bizarre disconcerting melange of actual IRL quotes and unhinged parody, is blurring somewhat the lines of fantasy and reality.

Well I guess you could say that, maybe.

Well y’know like from a particular point of view…

I mean I guess there do seem to be a helluvah lot of opinions out there, that’s for sure!