Celebrating the 200th Jerry Duncan Show

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews many interesting people. Today, we celebrate the 200th Jerry Duncan Show.

ANNOUNCER MAGGIE DUNCAN

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s the 200th Jerry Duncan Show. I’m his proud mother Maggie speaking to you live from Heaven. I should say dead from Heaven.

JERRY

Let’s just say, Heaven help us.

MAGGIE

Don’t forget who loves you, Jerry.

JERRY

How can I forget? My life has been miserable with one exception. Last week, you fell down a wishing well. I never knew those things worked.

MAGGIE

You exaggerate. Your mood today is cranky with a touch of psycho.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. On with the show.

MAGGIE

Mr. Big Shot.

JERRY

We have some guests stopping by in studio to congratulate yours truly.

BULLWINKLE J. MOOSE

Congratulations Jerry.

JERRY

Good morning my cartoon friend.

BULLWINKLE

Big fan. I listen to your show all the time. Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

JERRY

Not that failed trick again.

BULLWINKLE

(tears off a shirt sleeve) Nothing up my sleeve. Presto!

(reaches hand into hat and pulls out Donald Trump) No doubt about it, I gotta get another hat!

DONALD TRUMP

The moose is trying to rig a magic trick and we can’t let that happen. Very bad, very bad.

JERRY

Trumpster. Thanks for accidentally taking the time to stop by on your “Overthrow The Government Tour.”

TRUMP

Traveling to all 48 states, Duncan.

JERRY

But there’s 50.

TRUMP

Fake news. Quit reading books.

JERRY

Thanks fellas for stopping by. Now get the hell out of here.

JERRY

Hey. It’s Frosty the Snowman. Where’s your buddy the Easter Bunny?

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

Forget it. He’s still waiting in line to eat breakfast at the IHOP.

JERRY

I know you can’t stay or you’ll melt.

FROSTY

You bet. I’ll be a puddle. Do you know two reasons kids shouldn’t drink puddle water?

JERRY

No.

FROSTY

Number one. And number two.

JERRY

Man, I wish I had your kind of money. You made big bucks on that song Frosty The Snowman.

FROSTY

Unfortunately, I pissed it away drinking. Every time I went out, I got plowed.

JERRY

Well good luck, Carrot Nose. If you grow a moustache, you’ll look like Ted Cruz’s wife.

SENATOR JOE MANCHIN

Congratulations Jerry. I’m here in Alaska learning how to survive in the wilderness.

JERRY

Oh, great. How about helping the American people survive? You took almost everything out of Biden’s Economic and Climate package.

JOE

Now wait a second. I’m helping billionaires by not raising their taxes. I’d say that’s a good start. Whatever it takes to get elected, Jerry.

JERRY

What about coal? It’s a pollutant.

JOE

Think about what you just said. Coal is used to generate electricity. Don’t forget that Santa Claus needs coal to put in stockings on Christmas Eve for naughty boys and girls. And if it wasn’t for coal, your friend Frosty the Snowman wouldn’t have eyes.

JERRY

Let me ask you. Do you support LBGTQ?

MANCHIN

You mean the Ukrainian President?

JERRY

No, you idiot. The Equality Act that discriminates against transgender people.

MANCHIN

Not now. But I will when Lindsey Graham comes out of the closet wearing a dress.

JERRY

Senator Coal Dust. You’re not part of the problem in Washington. You are the problem!

MAGGIE

Mommy loves you, Jerry.

JERRY

Dont talk to me. I’m on suicide watch.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.