Ripping the Headline Today, 11/2/21 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Facebook announces name change to Meta in rebranding effort

Which is short for “Met a FBI Agent Who Scared the S*** Out Us.”

Japan’s Princess Mako marries after years of controversy, giving up her royal status

… Boy, this will piss off Piers Morgan …

Texas residents rip teachers on Holocaust remark: ‘There are not two sides to a genocide.’

Unless ‘Horribly Wrong’ and ‘F**king Horribly Wrong’ count as two sides.

Manchin seemingly on board for BBB Bill

Not saying Manchin had a big influence on the new bill but it’s now called “Build. Back. Better. With Coal.”

DC’s talks new Superman coming out as bisexual

Shouldn’t that be AC/DC’s new Superman?

Marijuana use could make COVID breakthrough cases more likely

Or, maybe folks are just forgetting that they didn’t get the vaccine …

Wisconsin audit shows Biden won … again

Biden’s now racked up more wins in Wisconsin than Bo Schembechler.

Dave Chappelle mocks trans jokes controversy: ‘I haven’t been in this much trouble in my life’

So, here’s betting Chappelle won’t be touring Transylvania.

West Coast slammed by record-breaking bomb cyclone

Or, to paraphrase Bob Dylan: You don’t have to be a weatherman to know anything called a Bomb cycle blows.

Donald Trump does tomahawk chop at World Series Game 4 in Atlanta

Trump did the tomahawk chop. Although, given his tiny hand size it was more like the ‘tomthumbahawk chop.’

Kentucky high school staff members got lap dances from students, photos appear to show

In fairness, in Kentucky it’s ok if the students and teachers are related.

Prosecutors drop felony charge against man accused of 43 cent soda theft

Lucky for him, his sentence could’ve been ‘Coke Zero to Life.’

Glenn Youngkin doesn’t want Trump to come to Virginia and Trump agreed

… Because, ‘Yes, Virginia, there is an ‘insanity cause’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)