Jerry Duncan Interviews Alaskan Housewife

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews a housewife in Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Who knows? Today on the show my guest is Maude Riley, a housewife here in Wasilla, Alaska.

wasilla housewife — Jerry Duncan interviews a housewife from Wasilla, Alaska.

JERRY

Good morning, Maude.

MAUDE RILEY

Mornin.

JERRY

You’re here to announce you are running in the Republican primary for Senate against the incumbent Senator Lisa Murkowski.

RILEY

Yep. She might be popular in Poland, but not here.

JERRY

C’mon. The Senator is a skier, hiker, fisherman. She is what Alaska is all about.

RILEY

Nope. Where was the ninny when the state banned rectal thermometers? Just because Sarah Palin said it caused brain damage.

JERRY

All I know is Senator Merbuski, Moswaski, I mean Murkowski is always looking for ways to make energy more efficient. Oil and natural gas are the driving force of the Alaskan economy.

RILEY

Speakin of gas. Before COVID, I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough. No one should have to do that in Alaska. No more COVID vaccines!

JERRY

Okay, Ms. Anti-Vaxxer. Tell us about your convoluted self.

RILEY

I come from a rough childhood, Duncan. My old lady buried three husbands. And two of them were just nappin. I never had any stability growin up. One day the dope stared at a can of orange juice for 12 hours, because it said “concentrate.” No wonder I became an alcoholic.

JERRY

What pushed you over the edge?

RILEY

I found out I was a test tube baby. I didn’t even get a womb with a view.

JERRY

So you started drinking.

RILEY

Yeah. But I still maintained a balanced diet. A Budweiser in each hand.

JERRY

Ever go to AA?

RILEY

You talkin about them batteries?

JERRY

No. Meetings for alcoholics, so they won’t drink.

RILEY

Nah. I get my high from politics and watchin soap operas on the tube. Even though I’m an anti-Vaxxer, I wear a mask when I tune into General Hospital. Don’t want any of them actors sneezin on me.

JERRY

(laughs) Like it comes out of your TV.

RILEY

Of course, it can. A friend of mine died from a TV sneeze. She bit off more than she could achoo.

JERRY

Let’s get back to your campaign. What’s your next stop?

RILEY

I’ll be in Fairbanks talkin about why Climate Change is a hoax. Even the Antarctic ice sheets think it’s a joke. They’re crackin up.

JERRY

Do you know what causes Climate Change?

RILEY

Yeah. Someone lit a dinosaur on fire. It’s in the Bible. I believe in the Book of Fools.

RILEY

Hey, Duncan. I’m so excited. I gotta heavyweight comin here to campaign for me.

JERRY

I only know one heavyweight. Chris..

RILEY

Yep. Chris Christy. How I got him is “a whale of a tale.”

JERRY

You claim to know the Bible. Isn’t he the dude that swallowed Jonah?

RILEY

Chris is an inspiration for every fatso who can’t resist food. He thinks big.

JERRY

You mean bigger. Big is King Kong.

RILEY

Okay, wise guy. Is that a tire you’re wearin around your waist?

JERRY

(sarcastic) No. I swallowed Nancy Pelosi. Yeah, I’m a little overweight. So what?!

RILEY

Just sayin.

JERRY

Anything you want to tell my listeners before this interview ends?

RILEY

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

One ripped condom caused you.

JERRY

Thank you, Maya Angelou. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.