Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson hold hands at Knott’s Scary Farm

… it’s like Pete’s a parting gift for hosting SNL.

F Donald Trump and F Joe Biden trending on Twitter

All this ‘F Donald Trump’ and ‘F Joe Biden’ has me worried about all those times I said ‘F Murray Abraham.’

Aaron Rodgers is “furious” about leak of his unvaccinated status

To be safe, trade him to the Lions. Those guys can’t catch anything.

Republican Youngkin wins Virginia governor’s race

New Motto: Virginia is for Lovers of Conspiracy Theories.

LAPD officer accused of fondling dead woman’s breast ordered to stand trial

… bringing new meaning to the term ‘cop a feel.’

Fall time change this weekend: Clocks will ‘fall back’ as daylight saving time ends for 2021

Or, as it’s also known, ‘Cher Day,’ because you can literally ‘turn back time!’

Tom Hanks says Jeff Bezos offered him a space flight before William Shatner but he turned it down

… No word if that’s because it was for a flight that included just Hanks and a volleyball.

Vladimir Putin orders one-week paid shutdown for Russian workers as COVID-19 cases rise

So, what will Rand Paul do with the free time?

Madonna says everyone must ‘wear rubber gloves’ when touching clothes in her fashion archive

… nothing else. Just gloves.

Ralph Macchio turned 60 today

Damn, you’ve gotta be ‘Karate Kidding’ me!

Ted Cruz defended people giving the Nazi salute at school board meetings

Or, as it’s also known, shouting ‘Fuhrer in a crowded theatre.’

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak launches private space company

How bad are things that billionaires want to get the f&^k out of here?!

FDA authorizes Pfizer’s Covid-19 vaccine for children 5 to 11

So, what’s the difference between Matt Gaetz and the Covid vaccines? The vaccines are safe for children.

Biden Administration cancels remaining contracts for border wall

… No word on what Mexico will do with the extra money …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)