In an exclusive interview with Santa himself, our correspondent uncovers some troubling trends!
It’s only November but it’s already beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I see Christmas decorations everywhere. Before you know it, Santa Claus will be coming to town. With that in mind, I decided to contact Santa, aka Kris Kringle, aka Saint Nick, aka Father Christmas, to see if there would be any problems in manufacturing and delivering toys and goodies for the good little boys and girls on Christmas Eve.
Here is how my interview with Santa went:
Me: Hello Santa, it’s me.
Santa: Yes, I know and I’m sorry, but you are on the naughty list AGAIN.
Me: No, that’s not why I’m calling. I just wanted to know if you were on track to deliver all the presents on Christmas Eve.
Santa: It’s been a real struggle this year. The manufacturing process has become so much more complicated. Toys are harder to mass produce as there are now so many variations of each plaything.
Me: What do you mean?
Santa: Well, for instance, there used to be just one Ken doll but now I need to make it in two body types, in seven different skin tones, and with nine new hairstyles, one with a man bun. The variations are endless. And, of course, each doll now needs to have a mask included in the box.
Me: That must be a challenge.
Santa: Well, my biggest problem, is a crippling labor shortage. Some elves just want to sit on a shelf throughout the holiday season and others are just sick of making toys. I just can’t find enough elves that want an exciting career in toy making. Hermey the Elf is a good example. He decided that he wanted to be a dentist instead, so he left the North Pole this year to go to dentistry school.
Me: Have you tried using a recruiting firm?
Santa: Yes, I had some good luck with Zip Recruiter. We hired some Oompa Loompas through them after a chocolate factory outsourced its manufacturing to China. Oompa Loompas are hard workers. We also hired a bunch of munchkins using Zip Recruiter. Those in the Lullaby League were a God send but those in the Lollipop Guild were troublemakers who wanted to unionize the workshop. I had to let them go.
Me: What about employing Leprechauns?
Santa: We hired some. However, they are not good at making toys. They are great shoemakers, but no one wants shoes for Christmas. Well, I guess some women do.
Me: Did you try using Indeed?
Santa: Yes, we hired seven dwarfs through them. The one named Happy is working out well and Bashful is fine if you keep him away from the Lullaby League girls. But Dopey was a complete buffoon. Sleepy obviously couldn’t cut it. Nobody wanted to work with Grumpy. Sneezy refused to wear a mask even though he really needed to. And we later found out that the one called Doc lied on his resume. A background check discovered that he never went to medical school. So, we fired him.
Me: Have you tried using workers who are not height challenged?
Santa: No, we need diminutive employees to handle the intricate details involved in toy making. But getting them vaccinated has been a challenge. Due to their height, they couldn’t get the jab until the vaccines were authorized for the 5-to-11-year-olds.
Despite the labor issues, I’m confident that all the toys will be manufactured by Christmas Eve. However, I’m anticipating some delivery issues.
Me: What are those concerns?
Santa: Well, Rudolph the RED NOSED Reindeer is supposed to guide my sleigh again this year, but it turns out that his red nose was caused by a case of Rhinophyma which is a skin disease characterized by a large red bulbous nose but since he has cut down on the cups of cheer it has cleared up. I’m not sure he will be an effective guide this year. And now the other reindeer have reverted to laughing at Rudolf and calling him names. They are again refusing to let him play in any reindeer games which depresses him.
Me: Not having that red nose to guide you could be a problem especially on a foggy night.
Santa: Also, Rudolph, who is the only male reindeer on my team, continues to misinterpret what I mean when I say, “On Donner, On Blitzen.” And Prancer and Comet are fighting again and refusing to fly next to each other.
Me: You certainly have a lot of personnel problems this year.
Santa: Yes, and all my reindeer are getting a little long in the tooth. I would like to hire some younger ones but it’s hard to find ones that can do the job. Reindeer can’t typically fly. But we will muddle through if the fates allow.
Me: I’m sure you will. Now about that naughty list…
Santa: Sorry my friend, but you weren’t even close to making the good list this year. I’m afraid it will be coal for you again.
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