Jerry Duncan Interviews Aaron Rodgers - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and his fiancee actress Schlemiel Woodley.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it s a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and his fiancee actress Schlemiel Woodley.

Aaron Rodgers by Elvis Kennedy — Aaron Rodgers. Photo by Elvis Kennedy, flickr.com.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

My name is Shailene.

JERRY

It’s my show. You’re a Schlemiel. Okay?

WOODLEY

No problemo, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

Hi Aaron. Where’s your mask?

AARON RODGERS

This is a podcast. No need for a mask. I’m in Green Bay freezing my nuts off.

JERRY

I’m glad you brought that up. How many testicles does an oak tree have?

RODGERS

I don’t know.

JERRY

Tree.

WOODLEY

I don’t get it.

JERRY

Schlemiel. You have two parts of the brain, left and right. In the left side, there’s nothing right. In the right side, there’s nothing left.

WOODLEY

Thank you. Now I know why I’m engaged to Aaron Rodgers.

RODGERS

(blows a kiss) Love ya, babe.

JERRY

Let’s talk about Covid. You lied about getting the vaccine.

RODGERS

No, I didn’t. I took a cocktail of meds including Ivermectin.

JERRY

Those are horse pills.

RODGERS

I know. Maybe I have Covid, but I’ll be racing in the Kentucky Derby.

RODGERS

“Neigh, neigh.” Sorry, I’ve been saying it all week.

JERRY

You need to see a veterinarian.

WOODLEY

Does Mr. Ed still have his practice? I want the best for Aaron.

RODGERS

I love you, babe.

JERRY

Schlemiel. You have an impressive career. You’ve been in films like The Fault in Our Stars, The Descendants, The Amazing Spider-Man 2. So why Aaron Rodgers?

WOODLEY

Because he’s smart. Aaron knows the vaccine will make him infertile. We want kids.

JERRY

That’s junk science. Your man violated the NFL Covid-19 protocols. He was fined and so was the team.

WOODLEY

Who cares? Look at him. That long scraggly hair, unshaven face. He reminds me of Charles Manson.

RODGERS

(shouts) They say everyone has a twin. Right on! Here’s a scoop. I bet you didn’t know Shailene went to the bank to get her quarter back.

WOODLEY

(screams) Aaaah! Aaaah!

JERRY

What’s wrong?

RODGERS

Are you alright? Are you acting out a scene?

WOODLEY

I just got my Covid test results. I’m positive! I infected everyone in Hollywood. My career is over.

JERRY

Well, you weren’t that good anyway. Just sayin.

WOODLEY

We’re done Rodgers! You deserve some ass hat like Jeanine Pirro.

RODGERS

That’s a thought. No, no, Shailene. How can I go on living?

WOODLEY

Drop dead!

RODGERS

I want the engagement ring back.

WOODLEY

F U!

JERRY

Don’t worry, Schlemiel. This too will pass, but it may pass like a kidney stone.

WOODLEY

Thank you for those words of comfort.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.